Invisible Pain

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Welcome to another day in hell
All the invisible pain that only I feel
Stumbling and weak I try to get out of my bed
My head is spinning around
My legs fail to keep me up
On my knees I cry in despair
Feeling as if I’m sailing a boat
Dizzy and sick, painful body…
Screaming inside like a maniac I am
But silent are my screams!
What have I become?
Giddy, hollow, numb, torturous…
Burning like flames I watch my private hell
There’s no use on crying for the pain won’t go away!
One more day of survival
Damn, I am so exhausted…
This fatigue in my body feels so heavy
Let me lay down for just one minute, two more minutes…
Can i close my eyes and born anew?
One more day in hell and it counts a week already
What have I become?
staggering and dizzy I keep walking
There’s so much I need to do so awake I must stay
Is that land that I see? I ought to leave this boat
This sickness is draining my energy
My body trembles, my chest burns and this vertigo aura spinning in my head
The shape of a ghost you see in me
My hollow eyes concealing the pain in my soul
One more day of survival in this cursed life
Needles and knives stabbing my weakened body
The silent cries I try to hold deep inside
I feel so wearied…
Like a ghost I walk, stumbling and crackling like glass my bones are
There’s a void in my head and see you I cannot
All this pain, this tiredness…
Invisible they say it is but too real for me
Anxiety and panic eats me alive for screaming I am
Broken I feel, dark thoughts embrace me
What have I become?
Just a shell of a body where pain lives..
If only I could show you my pain..
Dizzy and staggering I keep going
Crawling back to my bed of spines
Flames circling me…
I feel so tired so please let me close my eyes
For just one minute…

©PaulaPinto 2018. All rights reserved.

 

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Night Demons

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87172dae8cbdf20e4f598c8baff0543fI woke up this morning with this blurriness in my head
I tried to stand up but my limbs failed!
This image from last night nightmare carved in my mind…
why do I hate you mother now that you are gone?
Always arguing and fighting in my night dreams,
Always running away and blaming you!
Why does it hurt so much mother now that you are gone?
I needed you so much but you were never there…
It ached deeply and I called for you so many times..
Busy you said you were, but only for me never for others
Why does it hurts so much?
Night after night you haunt my dreams and resentment I feel!
In every single nightmare of mine there you are, like an executioner…
Ready to punished me for sins I’ve not committed!
I cry helplessly because my wounds are deep
Good memories are fading away so fast
Yet, awake I remain in this noisy night
Fighting my own demons and past fears
Why do you haunt me in my dreams?
Why do you punished me now that you are gone?
Will you ever forgive me for not saying goodbye?…
Will I ever forgive you for not being here for me when I asked for your help?
Long and scary are my nights
Hour after hour I try to sleep
Yet the pain is too deep!
My mind wanders to places I’ve tried to forget
Darkness keeps following me everywhere
I
s it a curse or just bad karma I wonder…
At last my eyes close, my mind empties and there’s this numbness in my limbs…
A fainted face I see in this cloudy place I know not
Oh it is you! Why are you here now to haunt me? To make me grieve and suffer?
You didn’t help me in life still you keep haunting my dreams?
Night after night I try to run but I’m trapped
Stuck and lost in that house
Where my demons have awaken
Evil that place is…
Frozen you are and cruel you became… in my dreams, why?
Please let me go now that you are gone
Dark are the nights at that house and evil lives in there
Awaiting for me, calling for my soul…
Returning there each night I am
To that somber, wintry and void place that was once my home…
Sadness lies in the foundations of that place,
Rotten roots of a lost world.
Shrieking I awake from this nightmare
Heart racing, tears in my eyes, sweat in my forehead
Trying to figure out where am I!
Clock strikes 2 am… I don’t want to fall asleep
There’s evil in my dreams
there are storms in my life…
Ghosts from the past
Demons from the present
Both intertwined to haunt me even when I am awake!
I curse you for ruining my memories after death
I hate you for not letting me know that I matter!
Darkness is my life but in the light I live
Tormented I am night and day…
There’s a mist surrounding me, there’s confusion…
Am I awake yet?
Damn you for making me struggle in my dreams
I feel exhausted, so much battles to be fought
I feel myself fading away in this land of confusion
Why do I brawl with you mother in my dreams now that you’re gone forever?
Don’t be one more demon in my head
Don’t be one more evil tyrant that I have to fight back!
My strength is not much anymore, do please go away
For a peaceful night I long
For a colourful dream I wish
Just only one night without battles!
There’s a war going on and I am losing it
I try so hard but you all keep haunting me at night
You keep coming back to take me with you…
It’s not my time yet for strong my dark forces are
I woke up this morning and realized that the nightmare is still here…

©PaulaPinto 2018. All rights reserved

Endless Night

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walking_into_the_fog_by_zombie_pipI wish to scream
I want to yell at the seven seas
am I dead or am I alive?
can’t feel my limbs…
my heart beating is slowing down
yet I will get there, wherever it is…
I will crawl
I will fight
But I won’t surrender!
I can barely breathe
Oh, this pain in my chest is deep!
Crying I am
And fighting this fierce wind I will!
No words come out,
No thoughts in my mind,
Just this aching pain,
This hollow feeling…
Still struggling I am and to the wind I yell
Words without meaning!
Just need to empty my burning chest!…
Where am I?
It’s all foggy and dark in this place
Can’t think straight but in the end does it matter?
I have to keep crawling
I need to get there, to that place somewhere…
Somewhere where I will find quietness
True solitude and silence to find oneself!
Lost in this mist I struggle for a way out
Dark thoughts embrace my mind
An echo of my screams I can hear
How creepy it sounds in this foggy place…
Am I lost? Or did I leave the path I was meant to take?
I wish to scream and yell to this empty night
It hurts inside but the pain keeps me going
It makes me feel alive!
I will strive , I will endure and I will survive to this endless night!
Frozen my limbs become
Aching my heart is
Stiffness in my muscles I feel
Still, in this foggy, dark, cold place somewhere I found my path
Fighting hard to pursuit my aim I am
For successful I must be!
Peace I must find in this noisy place
Is it day already? I really don’t know…
It’s dark in here wherever in here is
But it’s all right for in the dark I am used to live!
In darkness I found the light
In darkness I found myself and I’ve learnt to embrace it
For there’s no reason to fear this foggy place!
I want to scream
I want to yell at the seven winds
I just want to send my bad spirits away
For now quiet this place is and darkness scares me not!
Where am I going is not important anymore
How I feel is just a tiny moment in time and space
Obstacles I am overcoming
Surrender I will not
Crawling I will continue till the day I will learn how to walk again!
It’s foggy and windy here
It’s dark and scary wherever I am
Shadows are guiding me in this long journey of mine
For fear not the unknown…
There’s a place where quietness is known
And towards there I am crawling…

 

©Copyright 2018 Darklady. All rights reserved.

 

Can we make this world a better place?

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I recommend listening this music while reading my publication.

 

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Sometimes I feel that all is lost because my life as I used to know is no longer and what I thought to be real isn’t any more. We are raised to believe that life is only a life if we have a job, a few children, lots of friends and a big family that will always be there to support us and love us unconditionally. I used to live upon these expectations till the day everything changed in my life. I realized that sometimes we have to stop so that we can see the world the way it truly is.

Family doesn’t mean love or support, as for friends they will never be there whenever you need them the most or help you to get thought hard battles. When I distance myself from what surrounds me I see that battles are my own to fight all alone, my fears are only mine to be faced and defeated, my loneliness is my own to be felt and to be understood.

For many years now I felt lost and homeless despite I own a house but only today I understand that I was never lost at all and the reason why I feel homeless is all due to the fact that I haven’t found yet my place in this world, a site and location where I can be myself and feel at peace finally with oneself.
Where I live right now is just a path I have to walk to find the real home for me. I only feel lost because there’s too much noise on the way that distracts me from the true goal and a home is the place where we feel at peace and I am yet to find it.

Every single day I fight an inner battle that no one knows. My soul is like an endless war where there’s a dark side and a bright side, a war between evil and good; some battles I can win some others are harder to deal with. Some days I question myself: who am I really? Am I trying hard enough? Can I change the world? Can I be a better me? Every single day is a torment that is my own to face and to conquer, no one can help but me…

In one hand I wish I had the power to change things, to change the world and how people behave towards each other, I wish I had the power to balance good and evil, right and wrong, justice and injustice but I have no such power just a silly wish! On the other hand I just wish that the world as we know is gone forever and would born anew.

I have hate in my heart as much I have love, I cry when I watch a Christmas carol from Charles Dickens but it seems to me that I am the only one understanding the moral of the story, I cry when I see the Beauty and the Beast or Frankenstein because I see what others cannot, that those who we call monsters are just human beings with a defect but with a heart within them, however is it the ugliness in them that makes them the monsters?…
Monsters are those who judge without compassion, who are selfish, who refuse love to a sad soul, monsters are those who think beauty is being blonde, or having a pretty face, a perfect body! Those so-called “monsters” by people have a loving heart and feel love and compassion and sympathy, they are willing to help but no one accepts them because they are ugly and abnormal.
I cry when I watch Dracula because despite everything he have done he did it out of love! When you take what we have most precious in our life which is true love, you take away our souls and that’s when we become real monsters…

Society lost its ability to see beyond our faces, it’s judgemental and that is so wrong. People nowadays want to erase atrocities from the past without realizing that by doing it they will forget all the mistakes humanity have made in the past and consequently it will lead us to make the same mistakes sooner or later. History is a life lesson, it teaches us that we are all humans and therefore we make mistakes moreover we should have learnt from them in order to prevent similar situations in the future however it seems that these days it’s easier to forget everything rather than remember in order to prevent.
Let’s return to Middle-Ages and burn all the books and movies that were made and had so much success just because some ignorant truly believe that those books or movies are racists, sexists or even worse… wow they talk about witchcraft!! Let’s burn it all on big pile, let’s censorship play its role because unfortunately there are many people in the world who weren’t blessed with intelligence and they see everything they don’t understand as a threat! Get a grip!!

I use to say quite often “it’s not fair” because I tend to analyze everything too much and I do realize that life isn’t fair. Why do people who work so hard are always poor? Why those who commit crimes eventually are set free? Why millionaires don’t help to build a better world if they have the tools for it? They have the money so they could build shelters for the homeless, they could hire professionals to educate and teach people in 3rd world countries how to survive, sometimes all we need to do is to help, not give them all in hand but teach them how to survive, how hard is this?

Not every one that is homeless it is because they like it or have chosen it as a way of life, no, most of them had once a job, a house, a family and friends but life can play tricks on us, why people despise so much a beggar? How hard it is for you who’s reading this to give a coin to a beggar? Or just some food? Are you afraid that poverty might be contagious? It is not but contagious is our society’s attitude towards those less fortunate.
I don’t have much right now, I have a chronic illness, I have lost all my friends when things turn out tough, I hardly have money to pay my bills and buy food, I’m surviving on my life savings that soon will end and I myself may become a homeless. I learned a long time ago that I alone cannot change the world but I can make a difference by choosing being compassionate so despite I don’t have much I feel better when I give a beggar a coin because I think and I also try hard to believe that it doesn’t matter how much you give, still if you do it that it will make the difference!
Help those in need because they are not the problem, society is the problem, the cancer of this world we live in!

So much waste of money and food and no one is kind enough to share it with the poor!
If I was a millionaire I would build a place to shelter those homeless on winter days so that they could have a place to have a warm dish and a bed to sleep at night, a place where they would feel normal and not a disease.

I feel anger because life isn’t fair and there are so many idiots out there that truly believe that we have what we deserve when it’s not true. If we all could control our destiny and life we would be all very happy, healthy and wealthy people but this is not how life works. People seem to forget that one day they might lose everything and end up living on the streets as well.

I am an idiot because I care too much, I try too hard to do the right thing, to make the right decisions, to be a nicer person, to please everybody yet in the end I am just that, an idiot because I cannot be happy if I keep trying over and over again and continue to judge myself by saying that “you’re not doing good enough… you’re not trying hard enough! You have to be perfect, to be the best, to be intelligent, you have to be everything” This is me being my own torture every single day of my life.

All my life I lived with this feeling that I have to prove something to the world despite I have no idea whatsoever it might be.… probably growing up on my own, although I had a big family, didn’t help me at all.I have always felt I wasn’t loved and that I was in the wrong place… feeling lost for most of my life I now know what I need to be fully happy…
I don’t need to own a house, or to be rich, I don’t need a huge list of friends, I don’t even need the family that probably never loved me that much at all.. I just need a simple life, tiny things that make me smile like a beautiful garden or a lovely flower, a cat, the smile of a stranger that wishes me “happy New Year” without knowing me from anywhere, and above all these some peace and quiet so that I can read a book , finish writing my novels and do a little bit of gardening. This is a perfect place that I would call home.

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What would you do?…

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Uncertainty2What can we do when everything seems lost? What can we do when we have nothing else to lose? What happens when we  have lost friends, family and loved ones, job, health and money? Should we carry on fighting the feeling that is the end or should we carry on struggling adrift?!…
What is the right thing to do when we have nothing but uncertainty? what’s the point of keep fighting and struggling when there’s no hope for us? Should we put an end to our meaningless lives or living as homeless?
What would you do if it was with you? What would you do if you had no family, no friends, no job, no money left, no home and a chronic illness? Would you live on the streets begging in a world where people are selfish and look down on those who were unfortunate? I wonder…

The Latest ‘Dark Tower’ Trailer Looks Like Over the Top Fun

Dark Tower, a movie to watch!

Addicted to Horror Movies

The Dark Tower has us all a little curious. The film is said to feature a few deviations from King’s source works, and there’s a mammoth budget behind the film. How will it play out? Will it be too cheesy to wrap our heads around, or will it feel as though King himself is narrating an epic live actioner for us?

We can’t answer these questions just yet, but we can comfortably say that the new trailer is pretty awesome, but also pretty far over the top. The Dark Tower had better arrive with a dish of suspension of disbelief in tow.

The Dark Tower features Idris Elba (Prometheus) as Roland, Matthew McConaughey (Dazed and Confused) will play the villainous Man in Black. Supporting performers include Fran Kranz (The Cabin in the Woods), Jackie Earle Haley (Watchmen), Abbey Lee (Mad Max:…

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Merry Chistmas!!!

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merry-christmas-images-clip-art-merry-and-new-year-imageHello everybody, here I am again after a couple of months away. Today I am not here to talk about illness or depression, no… today I am here to remind you what the Christmas Spirit is!!
These days people think that Christmas is all about loads of food and presents however they always forget the actual meaning of the season which is SHARING, CARING!
It’s freaking awesome to have a feast on Christmas, a table surrounded by family and some friends. It’s even terrific to get loads of useless presents!! Then most of you just throw away the Christmas tree to the garbish the following day!! Shame on you!….

Well people, my Christmas is just like this: on the 1st December, no matter what, I set up all my decorations and in the end of the day I feel – well, I used to –  anxious to turn the Christmas tree lights on and there I stand in awe for some moments.For me, Christmas ends up on the 6th January, the Epiphany. 

1615506-bigthumbnailChristmas for me used to mean love, sharing, caring and be with our family and loved ones. An exchange of gifts is always nice of course but not the main reason of Christmas. I used to have that, many… many years ago… Today my Christmas is just my husband and I, all by ourselves. It used to be enough when we had friends who cared for us, when I used to be a healthy person and a happy one as well. I love to have my Christmas Eve’s dinner by candles light and by listening  some nice Xmas music in the background. In the past years it’s quite impossible to have a christmas meal without my neighbour’s dogs barking and without some hammering too, it kills the Spirit!

What saddens me the most is that when we had jobs and I had health, I had friends who used to call me on Xmas night for holidays greetings and for a good laugh, we used to exchange presents, we used to care about each other… Yet everything changed the moment there was no more money to buy presents!
For heavens sake, if a friend is ill, unemployed and hardly have money to buy food this should be the time for our supposed friends help us, after all Christmas is a season for sharing, for  giving , a season for love!

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I have all my house decorated, our presents are a new pair of slippers for each other. There won’t be the delicious christmas sweets as in the past or much food, we won’t have friends to ring us or family that cares enough if we live or die but at least we will have each other, we will have our love, and if we cry by being alone we will be crying on each other arms!
I feel very ill and deeply sad but I do try to keep the real meaning of Christmas in my heart at all costs! For instance, I’m listening to my Xmas playlist favourites songs to make me feel a little bit better.

So, before I let you read / watch my Christmas video with my holiday greetings let me tell you this:

  • even though you have much today you might not have it tomorrow so share a little bit with those who have nothing;
  • give a smile to a homeless person because once they had a home like you;
  • buy some extra food and give it to some homeless people you see begging in the street and wish them a Merry Xmas;
  • if you have a relative or a friend in need, share some of your good fortune with them;
  • remember that some poor, homeless people were once people just like you with a job, a house and money, be kind on this Christmas;
  • last of all: don’t be a Scrooge!

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With this I rest my case and despite feeling deeply depressed and crying by writing this I wish you all around the world a True, Meaningful, Happy Merry Christmas!

 

© 2016 Darklady. All rights reserved.

My World

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I feel overwhelmed
I feel lost in this empty night
No more pain to feel
No more cheerfulness to share

Words don’t come out easily anymore
My eyes are dry
My soul is wrecked
My mind sail away adrift
No destination or aim

Out of this world I find myself
Searching for the lost haven
Looking for redemption that will never come…
Without feelings, hopeless and lonesome
I find myself in this dark world …

What’s right or wrong?
Where should I go?
Questions without an answer
Doubts filling my head,
Waiting for a miracle that will never happen ..

Life is full of losses
Life is sorrow and regret
Life is darkness and cold
Life is the eternal winter that awaits for the sunny morning …

I want to breathe and laugh
I want to dream and believe
Dance on the sky above us
Sing like the birds in spring time….

But gloomy is my universe
Lost in its infinity I am
No return path
Only darkness and hollowness
Grieving for happy days

Speechless I became
Unable to express my feelings
Numb and imprisoned in my own thoughts
A poet without a poem
A writer without words

Lost in self-pity
Amongst tears and scars
In a world where I do not belong
I try hard to keep the pace
Yet I feel misplaced

Dreaming awake
I close my eyes and I look deep in my heart
Seeking for an answer
Waiting for a signal
In this strange world where I do not belong !

P.S: After all these years I still feel the same, I am still waiting for a miracle or  a sign.

© Copyright 2016 Darklady. All rights reserved.
Written on May, 2012

An Ode to Loneliness

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Hello everybody, one more week passes by and I’m still feeling in the dumps! There’s so much going on in my head and in my heart that chokes me every time I try to breathe. I really want to come here and write about what’s depressing me this much at this time of the year but not today. Today I had an anxiety attack due to noise and had to take a Valium, so I’m feeling bit sleepy and all I want to do is crying thus I can’t even do this, I reckon that I feel that if I cry I will be a weak person… anyway for those who might come around I will leave a video of mine for you people understand how I’m feeling.

Just want to apologise for the quality of the video it was made years ago.

©Darklady, January 2012

Depression & Anxiety

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Hello guys, I have been away from everything and everywhere actually, going through a very deep dark time, I think that I always manage to keep my chin up and my anxiety and depression controlled but who am I kidding???
The other day, out of nowhere, I started a fight with my husband, who has been there for me since ever. I guess that the fact I’m not getting any treatment for depressions, anxiety and Fibromyalgia is affecting me more than I wish to admit. I feel that I’m getting paranoid, feeling all the time that my husband is hiding his true feelings towards me, what he real thinks about my illness…
I wanted so bad that he talked to me that when he refused to do that I tried to cut my wrists! I am desperate with all this situation of unemployment, lack of money that prevents me from getting medical help. All my situation where I live, the constant noise from neighbours and dogs,not being able to sleep properly, the pains that don’t go away and the lack of friends, altogether this is a snow ball.

I used to express myself by writing dark poetry but now I can’t write, can’t explain why but I have this inability to express what my deep feelings are, I feel nothingness,a deep hollow in my soul. Today, due to some situation I wish not to discuss here, I watched this video and I thought that the people in it explain very well how I feel like 365.