Merry Chistmas!!!

Tags

, , , ,

merry-christmas-images-clip-art-merry-and-new-year-imageHello everybody, here I am again after a couple of months away. Today I am not here to talk about illness or depression, no… today I am here to remind you what the Christmas Spirit is!!
These days people think that Christmas is all about loads of food and presents however they always forget the actual meaning of the season which is SHARING, CARING!
It’s freaking awesome to have a feast on Christmas, a table surrounded by family and some friends. It’s even terrific to get loads of useless presents!! Then most of you just throw away the Christmas tree to the garbish the following day!! Shame on you!….

Well people, my Christmas is just like this: on the 1st December, no matter what, I set up all my decorations and in the end of the day I feel – well, I used to –  anxious to turn the Christmas tree lights on and there I stand in awe for some moments.For me, Christmas ends up on the 6th January, the Epiphany. 

1615506-bigthumbnailChristmas for me used to mean love, sharing, caring and be with our family and loved ones. An exchange of gifts is always nice of course but not the main reason of Christmas. I used to have that, many… many years ago… Today my Christmas is just my husband and I, all by ourselves. It used to be enough when we had friends who cared for us, when I used to be a healthy person and a happy one as well. I love to have my Christmas Eve’s dinner by candles light and by listening  some nice Xmas music in the background. In the past years it’s quite impossible to have a christmas meal without my neighbour’s dogs barking and without some hammering too, it kills the Spirit!

What saddens me the most is that when we had jobs and I had health, I had friends who used to call me on Xmas night for holidays greetings and for a good laugh, we used to exchange presents, we used to care about each other… Yet everything changed the moment there was no more money to buy presents!
For heavens sake, if a friend is ill, unemployed and hardly have money to buy food this should be the time for our supposed friends help us, after all Christmas is a season for sharing, for  giving , a season for love!

christmas-numbers-clipart-candle-clip-art-08

I have all my house decorated, our presents are a new pair of slippers for each other. There won’t be the delicious christmas sweets as in the past or much food, we won’t have friends to ring us or family that cares enough if we live or die but at least we will have each other, we will have our love, and if we cry by being alone we will be crying on each other arms!
I feel very ill and deeply sad but I do try to keep the real meaning of Christmas in my heart at all costs! For instance, I’m listening to my Xmas playlist favourites songs to make me feel a little bit better.

So, before I let you read / watch my Christmas video with my holiday greetings let me tell you this:

  • even though you have much today you might not have it tomorrow so share a little bit with those who have nothing;
  • give a smile to a homeless person because once they had a home like you;
  • buy some extra food and give it to some homeless people you see begging in the street and wish them a Merry Xmas;
  • if you have a relative or a friend in need, share some of your good fortune with them;
  • remember that some poor, homeless people were once people just like you with a job, a house and money, be kind on this Christmas;
  • last of all: don’t be a Scrooge!

a-christmas-carol-001

With this I rest my case and despite feeling deeply depressed and crying by writing this I wish you all around the world a True, Meaningful, Happy Merry Christmas!

 

 

My World

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

ww

I feel overwhelmed
I feel lost in this empty night
No more pain to feel
No more cheerfulness to share

Words don’t come out easily anymore
My eyes are dry
My soul is wrecked
My mind sail away adrift
No destination or aim

Out of this world I find myself
Searching for the lost haven
Looking for redemption that will never come…
Without feelings, hopeless and lonesome
I find myself in this dark world …

What’s right or wrong?
Where should I go?
Questions without an answer
Doubts filling my head,
Waiting for a miracle that will never happen ..

Life is full of losses
Life is sorrow and regret
Life is darkness and cold
Life is the eternal winter that awaits for the sunny morning …

I want to breathe and laugh
I want to dream and believe
Dance on the sky above us
Sing like the birds in spring time….

But gloomy is my universe
Lost in its infinity I am
No return path
Only darkness and hollowness
Grieving for happy days

Speechless I became
Unable to express my feelings
Numb and imprisoned in my own thoughts
A poet without a poem
A writer without words

Lost in self-pity
Amongst tears and scars
In a world where I do not belong
I try hard to keep the pace
Yet I feel misplaced

Dreaming awake
I close my eyes and I look deep in my heart
Seeking for an answer
Waiting for a signal
In this strange world where I do not belong !

P.S: After all these years I still feel the same, I am still waiting for a miracle or  a sign.

© Copyright 2016 Darklady. All rights reserved.
Written on May, 2012

An Ode to Loneliness

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

Hello everybody, one more week passes by and I’m still feeling in the dumps! There’s so much going on in my head and in my heart that chokes me every time I try to breathe. I really want to come here and write about what’s depressing me this much at this time of the year but not today. Today I had an anxiety attack due to noise and had to take a Valium, so I’m feeling bit sleepy and all I want to do is crying thus I can’t even do this, I reckon that I feel that if I cry I will be a weak person… anyway for those who might come around I will leave a video of mine for you people understand how I’m feeling.

Just want to apologise for the quality of the video it was made years ago.

©Darklady, January 2012

Depression & Anxiety

Tags

, , , , , ,

Hello guys, I have been away from everything and everywhere actually, going through a very deep dark time, I think that I always manage to keep my chin up and my anxiety and depression controlled but who am I kidding???
The other day, out of nowhere, I started a fight with my husband, who has been there for me since ever. I guess that the fact I’m not getting any treatment for depressions, anxiety and Fibromyalgia is affecting me more than I wish to admit. I feel that I’m getting paranoid, feeling all the time that my husband is hiding his true feelings towards me, what he real thinks about my illness…
I wanted so bad that he talked to me that when he refused to do that I tried to cut my wrists! I am desperate with all this situation of unemployment, lack of money that prevents me from getting medical help. All my situation where I live, the constant noise from neighbours and dogs,not being able to sleep properly, the pains that don’t go away and the lack of friends, altogether this is a snow ball.

I used to express myself by writing dark poetry but now I can’t write, can’t explain why but I have this inability to express what my deep feelings are, I feel nothingness,a deep hollow in my soul. Today, due to some situation I wish not to discuss here, I watched this video and I thought that the people in it explain very well how I feel like 365.

 

 

 

Feeling empty & Lost

Tags

, , , , ,

cover-4513.jpg

I haven’t done much lately, I can’t read, I can’t game, I don’t feel like going out for a walk, I feel like doing nothing at all to be honest! I always feel like this when I have to pause my intake of Vitamin D but this time it’s rather different… Things are not okay, we are still unemployed, I have no idea what will we do when money ends… I feel as if I’m living somebody else’s life!

So today I will just leave some images that explain bit better how I do feel…

 

I’m the woman who is trying to be happy again but can’t because everything is so broken that she doesn’t know where to start!

 

 

Here’s a Brand New Look at ‘Resident Evil: The Final Chapter’

Tags

,

Can’t wait to watch this one!! OMG I’m a fan

Addicted to Horror Movies

Still interested in seeing Resident Evil: The Final Chapter? Good. We are, too! And since we’re excited for this one, we figured we’d better offer you a look at the film’s brand new promo!

Paul W.S. Anderson will be unveiling his final Resident Evil flick on January 27th, 2017.

Milla Jovovich will of course reprise her role as Alice, the franchise’s longtime heroine. Joining Jovovich on screen will be a few newcomers and a whole lot of familiar faces in the forms of Ruby Rose (Orange is the New Black, Around the Block), Ali Larter (best known for her work in the Resident Evil and Final Destination franchises), Iain Glen (Resident Evil: Extinction, Game of Thrones), Shawn Roberts (X-Men, Resident Evil: Afterlife), William Levy (The Single Moms Club, The Tempest) and Eoin Macken (The Forest, The Night Shift).

Dig…

View original post 150 more words

Waiting for a Cure!…

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

I dedicate this poem to everybody ou there who suffers from a chronic illness, in my case Fibromyalgia.

waiting

 

One more week, one more day
Still there you are…
You came and you will never leave!
Killing me inside slowly
Taking away from me all hope…
Making me cry !!

The day becomes so dark when you come
Pain is unbearable each time
I crouch and I scream in silence
Tears marking the path
Loosing my freedom gradually…
forgetting who I used to be!

Pains all over my body
No mercy, no choice
It hurts so much …
I want to die,
I want to be invisible !…
You came and you stole everything from me!

Testing me every single day of my life
Ripping from me all my strength
Hurting me more and more
You brought darkness into my life….
Agony, despair,
Torture, torment
Aches, sorrow
Depression, grieving…

Stop the pain!
I want to say yes but you force to say no!
I want to smile yet you make me cry!
I want to strong instead you made me weak!
I want to be happy still my life is a living hell….

Why?
Will you ever leave me?
Will this pain ever reach to an end ?
I can’t endure with all this anymore …
So many pains, such loneliness…
Just driving me insane!

 

© Copyright 2016 Darklady. All rights reserved.
Written on October 04, 2011

Who am I?

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

WhoAmI

There’s been a while since I last posted something but, to be honest, I have been having so many different feelings that I was afraid to write about them. Most times I say things, in the heat of the moment, that I regret later so I learned the hard way to think thrice before saying something.


As a note
, I want to thank you all for the feedback some of you are giving me, it’s important for me to know your opinion and never be afraid to say what you really think, sincerity and honesty is for me the best way for you to have my gratitude and who knows my friendship.

Today I want to write about myself which might get boring but I will try to be short!
Before I jump into the subject here’s just a quick note for you to understand better what I am about to talk. Let me say that I remember me as a very quiet child, well I had to otherwise my father will put me in my right place; I was born out of time as a manner of speak, my parents had already five children and were bit old already, so my whole life was a  nightmare knowing that I was an accident, that I was never planned or wished. No matter what parents say I know that I was a big problem for them, I wasn’t supposed to even exist and now that I was born I had to pay for the mistakes that my older sisters made, so my life was a prison till the day I graduated and got married afterwards.

Despite being a well-behaved and quiet child I recall that whenever I hung out with my cousins things could turn violent, I always had this tendency to control everything and everybody around me and if they didn’t do what I wanted I could become physically violent.
I never tried to caught anybody’s attention yet I felt as if nobody loved me actually, I still feel this way to be honest. In some family events, from my father side, I was always put aside and there were two specific cousins who had all the treats and affection, spoiled children that were used to have everything! I became very closed to one of these cousins, we studied together at some point of our lives and I used to spend summer holidays at her beach house; we were a kind of sisters for her since she was only child; my uncle treated me kindly and equally but my cousin she was and still is terribly selfish. Anyway, this isn’t important.
The matter is that I grew up with this feeling that I was always unwanted; my sisters and brothers had a bond that I never had because of the major age difference, although I came close to one of my sisters  even today. I remember these days when we visited my garndparents and my cousins were playing all together outside but I had to be still and couldn’t join them as they were badly behaved as my father used to say, that wasn’t fair…

Well, time passed by and in my teens I started feeling depressed and with low  self esteem due to my brother who used to mock me saying that I looked like an otter! Bloody hell it wasn’t my fault that I had physically developed bit early , I’m talking about boobs! I know he was just fooling around with me but that is the main reason why even today, at my age, I still have low self esteem and truly hate my body and appearance.
Most of my brothers and sisters were already married except this brother of mine, seven years older than me. We were always together and competing with each other, protecting each other back but at the same time always brawling with each other as well. Soon I was all alone with my parents without anyone to help me with my questions or teenager crisis, my parents were too busy working all day to talk with me and every time I tried to reach my father he simply ignored me or my concerns; he didn’t understand my doubts, he didn’t want to give me a little bit of freedom such as hang out with my friends… he never let me out or even go to a birthday party, so as you can imagine I was all alone all the time just during school time I had the freedom to do whatever I wanted to, rebel myself but not too much.. So the best way I had to vent was through writing on my diary or writing poems, I used to draw a lot as well to keep my mind busy. Those years were of absolute unhappiness and loneliness.

However, at school, I used to make a lot of friends, I was a happy teenager and young adult, I used to laugh a lot and everybody enjoyed my company. Despite my parents didn’t give an allowance I managed to buy some postcards for birthdays and Christmas, this was my way to tell my friends that they were important for me. Things back them were difficult, we didn’t have the technology kids have these days; I played with dolls or hopscotch all by myself, or Lego construction, or read a book whenever I had the chance to get one… Lonely, sad days these of mine.

Let’s remember this, despite my loneliness I was happy when at school and with my friends, sometimes we used to play hookey, well we were young! I was always with a smile in my face and used to laugh for hours and tell jokes.

I had some girl friends whom I really loved, one of them I helped.. this story is not worthy telling. However I was never lucky with my friendships and all of them in time really disappointed me in terrible ways, all that left scars in me.

Well, I grew older, went to college but things were not good at home, old friends were left behind because we followed different paths and all I wanted at the time was to be independent and run away from my parents. I made new friends, some of them became best friends, one of them is my husband, the first and only best friend I ever had in my life. Even then at the age of 18 my father still didn’t allow me to go out so I began to lie to him about my college hours so that I could enjoy my college time the best I was allowed to; I lied to him so many times in order to go out at night with my friends, I had the right to have some fun. I did all I could, my mother knew that I was lying but she understood my behaviour yet she never faced my father to help me! My best friend became my boyfriend who became my husband and my father could do nothing about it this time!! He tried so many times to ruin my relationship till the day he made me choose then I chose my boyfriend (my actual husband) and that was the best decision I ever made.

Life began for us both, very hard at first, always with money problems but together we overcame all the problems, nevertheless I was happy then, truly happy! We didn’t have a lot of friends but we had a few we thought were good friends. Life went on and on with ups and downs but I was happy and young and healthy and I felt as if nothing could knock me down anymore. At this time I didn’t have problems of self-esteem at all, I was confident and independent. I had so many happy and great moments with friends, enjoyed life, had fun, worked hard but I had a whole life ahead to fulfill my dreams and needs.. I had!

Many things happened since them albeit everything started going wrong when I moved to my present house one year after I started a new job. A combination that ruined my life completely yet at the time I believed that it was the beginning of something big.

Regardless my degree I chose to work in something different which I loved a lot however the shifts started messing with my marriage. My husband had a normal job from 8.30am to 5pm but I worked at the shopping center with crazy hours and shifts, it happened one day, that I had to overwork, I arrived home at 7 am when my husband was leaving to his job… There came a time when I had to choose between my marriage and my job, so I decided that it was time for a change, so I did it and I started working at a laboratory of blood tests; normal job with normal work time, kind of… I didn’t mind at the time, it was a completely different work and I used to love a good challenge. It wasn’t easy, had some nasty co-workers who made my life miserable for nine years, I cried so many times when at home, I wished so many time to quit the job but couldn’t, we had the house mortgage to pay and the car loan as well. I was unhappy!!

I always suffered from depression but I had months when I didn’t need any medication at all but after one year at this job my depression got worse and worse and till today I can’t get rid of it anymore, it’s here to stay along with anxiety and PTSD.

That job became my worse nightmare, the only way I could face the day was with antidepressants, Xanax, sleeping pills and muscle relaxants for my chest pains. I worked without stopping, always trying to be perfect so that no one could use anything against me to sack me; had to be strong to deal with evil co-workers, with overtime without payment and then catch three buses to get home feeling lifeless and drained. I lived eight years of my life like this, without time for fun or happiness. I worked hard at work, came home to continue working hard and a dog to take care; my husband at the time didn’t help me, he didn’t care that much really but thanks heavens he changed and he does helps me a lot now.

I was criticized at work for being so perfectionist and demanding towards my work, myself and towards trainees. Still I managed to make a few friends and one good, close friend, a girl 10 years younger than me. Well I thought she was a very good friend of mine till the day she double crossed me to get a promotion! That day I saw I couldn’t trust anyone really. This struck me hard! I changed position inside the lab, more responsibilities, more work, same money but at least I was working all alone, this way I could control everything and everyone, now I could prove who were the ones making mistakes. Of course I was hated by this but whenever I made a mistake I faced the consequences so why shouldn’t them? It was time for my co-workers to be responsible after all we all working with people lives.

My situation became unbearable, depression turned into a nervous breakdown leading me to suicidal thoughts all the time. I couldn’t take a medical leave because I was a dangerous for myself at home alone so I kept working, fully medicated still  my thoughts were about when would I have a chance to run away and kill myself. My boss was aware of my situation, I had to be honest with her so that she could understand some of my unusual behaviours towards people. She was sympathetic with my situation and even called me brave for choosing to continue to work under such extreme health circumstances and, whenever I was alone, especially during lunch time, she used to check on me to make sure I wasn’t going to attempt suicide; my husband started picking me up at work by car so that I didn’t have any change at all. My life at work became unbearable with me always in distress, anxious, depressed, exhausted and alone. Some co-workers used to tell me that they missed my laughs… I had no reasons to laugh at all, with health problems, being unhappy at work and a nasty situation at home due to nasty neighbours.

To add some more pressure on this matter people kept telling me that I had to change, it seems I had many faults! I changed as a matter of fact, I was accepted by them all after this; I came to believe that I had to become a better person because I was a terrible one… Why had I to change when they did not? Why is me all the time and never them? I changed indeed! Am I a better person now? People say I am, husband says I am yet why do I feel that I lost my essence? Why do I feel a stranger in my own body? Why do I feel that there’s something missing?… I wonder.

This situation lasted around two years, I lost so much weight, face colour, I aged too, it felt as if I was carrying the weight of the world in my shoulders. One day I told my husband I couldn’t do this any longer, that I was going to resign. If I didn’t do that I would drive insane for good. It happens that I quit my job, managed a deal which payed my car’s loan and saved what left for other stuff, I had no right to any kind of compensation but my boss accepted my request to pay my good work for nine years. In the end being a perfectionist helped.
My life did changed for a while, I recovered from my nervous breakdown and deep depression into a mild depression. For a couple of months I hoped that my life was going to change for better, that things would change, a new start.. I was so wrong!

In the meantime, after so many years complaining about pains I was finally diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, PTSD, spine serious problems and probably with OCD and bipolar disease. I say probably because my rheumatologist wasn’t completely sure so she wanted me to see a psychiatrist. The rest you can imagine, the shock of such a diagnose plus the information that I couldn’t work anymore, that I couldn’t pick up weights and that I had to reduce my walking.

Many things happened since that day, bad things that made me the person I am today. I lost all my friends, my husband is unemployed for the past two years, I live in extreme anxiety due to dogs and neighbours constant noise and all that you know from previous posts.

With all  these things that happened to me I changed, I got lost and I can’t find my way back. I’m not being poetic I’m  saying exactly how I feel, LOST.
I came from an extreme where I was a sociable happy person, who laughed all the time and was a big chatter box with a few nice friends and family, a confident person who knew what I wanted to my life, so self-assured, now I find myself  in the other  extreme where I don’t know who am I anymore, where I am a grumpy person always complaining about everything, now I can only see the negative things and I’m unable to laugh or to express myself at all.
I am in a dark place
where I look into the mirror and I don’t recognize the person reflected there, a dark soul, unhappy, bitter, antisocial, faithless and friendless; I lost the ability to see the good in people most of the times perhaps because I was hurt so many times that the scars left behind remind me not to trust anyone.
Since I was diagnosed with all those health problems that I shut myself maybe to prevent me from getting hurt even more, I can’t even cry and I want to! If only I could, it would cleanse my soul; I don’t share my pain with my husband any longer so that I won’t upset him, I feel already that I am a burden for him!

So who am I? I question myself each day and yet I am to find the answer! I used to know who I was but I changed, I got older and now I don’t know who I truly am. My husband keeps telling me that I am not this person, that my true self is hidden, that I locked it up for some reason that I must set her free again… who’s blind here? Is it me or he? Am I judging my self too hard? does he believes in fact that the girl he once knew is still here? I think that I lost myself and I am wandering out there trying to find my true self… Does this makes any sense to you?

I want to believe, hope let’s say, that one day when I can finally leave my flat and move elsewhere that things will be all right, that I will recover from my anxiety and panic attacks, from my noise sensitivity, that I will gain some sanity again… I try to hold on on this thought! I wish so much to be able to cry again, to laugh like I used to, be able to appreciate the beauty outside all over again yet I am sure that I won’t trust people anymore because I refuse myself to be hurt again. I trusted and loved my friends so much that they took advantage of me and hurt me and deserted me when I needed them the most.
It seems to me that human nature is a terrible thing because we only have friends when our life goes well, we have money and we are pain free! When we lost everything the rats just left you behind, they care not if you live or die, selfish people they are!!

So, in your opinion who am I really? The former me, the new me or I am just a puzzle?..

—————————————————————————-

Note: I want to apologize for my english but I’m having some problems thinking straight with my fibro fog lately, it’s hard for me to think in my mother tongue some days so imagine how it feels like think in a foreign language.

 

 

In the Edge of the Cliff

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

drowning

Empty, cold night
Scaring me to death…
Whispers in the dark,
Spirits from the depths
Following me, driving me insane!

Murmurs and wails
Maddening me!!
A freak I am in this world of madness!
All my delusions and desires
All my hopes and beliefs
Were ripped from my soul!…

Wake up, lost creature in the night!
Look at the dead water of the river …
Can you see what you are?
A failure…..

I am less than nothing!
I am darker than darkness itself!
I am sorrow and pain!
I am the whistle on the silent cold night…

Lost in this universe
A burden I became!
All this emptiness inside of me,
Burning me slowly!!…
All this loneliness,
This aching heart,
A wounded soul….

Voices in my head
Whispers filling the air…
I am so close to the cliff,
Just waiting for the dawn…

Darkness is by my side,
My only companion,
My only comfort on this empty, cold night !
Murmurs from the depths
Tormenting me, maddening me..
But I wait…
I wait but no rescue comes !

So blind I am in my pain
So deep is my sadness…
The cliff awaits for my call…
I want to jump with my arms wide open
I want to close my eyes and let myself go
The cliff awaits, yet it’s not time to go!!

© Copyright 2016 Darklady. All rights reserved.
Poem was written on October 23, 2011

Faith, what’s this?!…

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

got-faith_t1Today I feel so weary from the weekend, as usual, there wasn’t a single moment of silence in my building, it seems that people here lives to make noise and can’t live without it! For heavens sake why can’t people be quiet for a few hours? Why don’t they read a book for a change instead of disturbing the neighbours with the bloody hammers all the damn time!! Do please do something else rather than making noise…. read a book, watch a film, play a game, do some gardening or just sleep but it’s Sunday!!!!! Sundays are meant for people to relax for goodness sake, what’s wrong with people????
Most of you who are reading this have no idea what’s like living in a flat surrounded by noisy neighbours who don’t respect others space and their right to have silence! Here, each day, at the same hour, the bloody same neighbours and dogs make noise… Why on earth does someone has to hoover the damn house on a Sunday afternoon and night???? I call these kind of people poor of spirit because all they can do when at home is hoovering over and over again the damn flat!!! Arggggggggg, I hate my neighbours so much….

I do feel so depressed, last week was terrible for me with high temperatures (40 degrees celsius) and wildfires all around me, the air was unbreathable and there was only grime and ashes in the air from the fires so it was quite impossible to go outside for a walk. My fibromyalgia pains increased a lot due to stress and heat. Today’s is much cooler and it seems that we are having rain on Friday…

Yesterday evening the only sister who keeps in touch with me rang me to check on me and to ask if I and my husband had any luck with job hunt. Our situation is still the same, no jobs, money is scarce each day, I think I can say that we are broke! Well this part of the story I have already talked in previous posts.. With this I want to talk about faith!
Just in case you want to know I’m the 6th child of my parents, my brothers and sisters and I have a great age gap between us so you might imagine how our relationship is… Anyway, there’s still one of my sisters with whom I had always been closed to and the only one who keeps in touch; she had been through so many bad and terrible things her whole life still she has faith! Each time we talk she tells me to have faith in God that He will hear me and help me through this difficult path I’m in. There’s also a person who talks about faith all the time in her blogs Tessa.

When I was a child my parents forced me to have a catholic education, go to the church and so on, as I grew up my opinion about religious people changed as well as my view towards church. I don’t believe in priests, who they think they are to tell me if I am forgiven or not for my sins? who gave them that power? For me they are sinners just like us all and have no right to tell me whether I am forgiven or not! Church, whichever it is, catholic, Anglican or other they are just an enterprise, from my point of view, collecting richness but never helping the poor people. Church should give shelter to those who have no home or look for sanctuary but they only think about being rich! So what’s that thing called Faith?!
People tell me to have faith in God for He will help me through, that Faith will give me strength to endure hard times, that Faith will not let me down, that Heaven’s help will come! Rubbish I say!!! Faith! it doesn’t get me a job, it doesn’t pay my bills in the end of the month, it doesn’t give me health or cure my illness, it doesn’t make me feel stronger… Some people like Tessa and my beloved sister are true believers and they actually feel happier and manage to overcome their problems yet I cannot be like them! I am too rational towards this matter. I have prayed for help so many times, for a sign but it never came… Well, maybe I am the problem! Perhaps help have come but I was too blind to see it? Heavens above might be helping me all along without me knowing it?
I have been next to the cliff so may times, suicidal thoughts over and over again, the will to give in to pain and suffering has been tempting still somehow I have found out the strength to get up on  my feet again and fight back all those dark feelings, to overcome all my health and financial problems… I can endure so much physical pain without taking medication, I deal with panic attacks each day and with emotional affliction, sorrow and hardship yet when I think that that’s it, I can’t do it anymore, I do find the  strength to close all those feelings deep in my soul and carry on with my day. I don’t call this Faith my friends, I call it survive! There’s no drugs to easy my pains from my illness, there’s no friends or family for moral support, there’s nothing left in my life except from my husband and that’s for him that I am still alive, that I repeat to myself, each morning when I wake up, that no matter what happens, no matter how I feel I ought to carry on because there’s someone who needs me still.

So my friends, tell me what’s Faith? To be honest with you I became very pessimist in the past years  due to all the things that people have done to me, due to everything that happened to me, due to my childhood and adult traumas, I have so much to regret… I also have good memories to hold on if only I could… But this dark feelings rule my soul and heart now, buried feelings of hate, anger, injustice, loneliness, abandonment, they rule my thoughts not that I wish them but because they are the outcome of everything I have been through my whole life.

Is Faith going to solve all my problems? Please tell me how because I don’t see how… I’m not saying that I’m the person who’s right here I just don’t understand this thing most people belive in and have, called Faith!