There’s been a while since I last posted something but, to be honest, I have been having so many different feelings that I was afraid to write about them. Most times I say things, in the heat of the moment, that I regret later so I learned the hard way to think thrice before saying something.
As a note, I want to thank you all for the feedback some of you are giving me, it’s important for me to know your opinion and never be afraid to say what you really think, sincerity and honesty is for me the best way for you to have my gratitude and who knows my friendship.
Today I want to write about myself which might get boring but I will try to be short!
Before I jump into the subject here’s just a quick note for you to understand better what I am about to talk. Let me say that I remember me as a very quiet child, well I had to otherwise my father will put me in my right place; I was born out of time as a manner of speak, my parents had already five children and were bit old already, so my whole life was a nightmare knowing that I was an accident, that I was never planned or wished. No matter what parents say I know that I was a big problem for them, I wasn’t supposed to even exist and now that I was born I had to pay for the mistakes that my older sisters made, so my life was a prison till the day I graduated and got married afterwards.
Despite being a well-behaved and quiet child I recall that whenever I hung out with my cousins things could turn violent, I always had this tendency to control everything and everybody around me and if they didn’t do what I wanted I could become physically violent.
I never tried to caught anybody’s attention yet I felt as if nobody loved me actually, I still feel this way to be honest. In some family events, from my father side, I was always put aside and there were two specific cousins who had all the treats and affection, spoiled children that were used to have everything! I became very closed to one of these cousins, we studied together at some point of our lives and I used to spend summer holidays at her beach house; we were a kind of sisters for her since she was only child; my uncle treated me kindly and equally but my cousin she was and still is terribly selfish. Anyway, this isn’t important.
The matter is that I grew up with this feeling that I was always unwanted; my sisters and brothers had a bond that I never had because of the major age difference, although I came close to one of my sisters even today. I remember these days when we visited my garndparents and my cousins were playing all together outside but I had to be still and couldn’t join them as they were badly behaved as my father used to say, that wasn’t fair…
Well, time passed by and in my teens I started feeling depressed and with low self esteem due to my brother who used to mock me saying that I looked like an otter! Bloody hell it wasn’t my fault that I had physically developed bit early , I’m talking about boobs! I know he was just fooling around with me but that is the main reason why even today, at my age, I still have low self esteem and truly hate my body and appearance.
Most of my brothers and sisters were already married except this brother of mine, seven years older than me. We were always together and competing with each other, protecting each other back but at the same time always brawling with each other as well. Soon I was all alone with my parents without anyone to help me with my questions or teenager crisis, my parents were too busy working all day to talk with me and every time I tried to reach my father he simply ignored me or my concerns; he didn’t understand my doubts, he didn’t want to give me a little bit of freedom such as hang out with my friends… he never let me out or even go to a birthday party, so as you can imagine I was all alone all the time just during school time I had the freedom to do whatever I wanted to, rebel myself but not too much.. So the best way I had to vent was through writing on my diary or writing poems, I used to draw a lot as well to keep my mind busy. Those years were of absolute unhappiness and loneliness.
However, at school, I used to make a lot of friends, I was a happy teenager and young adult, I used to laugh a lot and everybody enjoyed my company. Despite my parents didn’t give an allowance I managed to buy some postcards for birthdays and Christmas, this was my way to tell my friends that they were important for me. Things back them were difficult, we didn’t have the technology kids have these days; I played with dolls or hopscotch all by myself, or Lego construction, or read a book whenever I had the chance to get one… Lonely, sad days these of mine.
Let’s remember this, despite my loneliness I was happy when at school and with my friends, sometimes we used to play hookey, well we were young! I was always with a smile in my face and used to laugh for hours and tell jokes.
I had some girl friends whom I really loved, one of them I helped.. this story is not worthy telling. However I was never lucky with my friendships and all of them in time really disappointed me in terrible ways, all that left scars in me.
Well, I grew older, went to college but things were not good at home, old friends were left behind because we followed different paths and all I wanted at the time was to be independent and run away from my parents. I made new friends, some of them became best friends, one of them is my husband, the first and only best friend I ever had in my life. Even then at the age of 18 my father still didn’t allow me to go out so I began to lie to him about my college hours so that I could enjoy my college time the best I was allowed to; I lied to him so many times in order to go out at night with my friends, I had the right to have some fun. I did all I could, my mother knew that I was lying but she understood my behaviour yet she never faced my father to help me! My best friend became my boyfriend who became my husband and my father could do nothing about it this time!! He tried so many times to ruin my relationship till the day he made me choose then I chose my boyfriend (my actual husband) and that was the best decision I ever made.
Life began for us both, very hard at first, always with money problems but together we overcame all the problems, nevertheless I was happy then, truly happy! We didn’t have a lot of friends but we had a few we thought were good friends. Life went on and on with ups and downs but I was happy and young and healthy and I felt as if nothing could knock me down anymore. At this time I didn’t have problems of self-esteem at all, I was confident and independent. I had so many happy and great moments with friends, enjoyed life, had fun, worked hard but I had a whole life ahead to fulfill my dreams and needs.. I had!
Many things happened since them albeit everything started going wrong when I moved to my present house one year after I started a new job. A combination that ruined my life completely yet at the time I believed that it was the beginning of something big.
Regardless my degree I chose to work in something different which I loved a lot however the shifts started messing with my marriage. My husband had a normal job from 8.30am to 5pm but I worked at the shopping center with crazy hours and shifts, it happened one day, that I had to overwork, I arrived home at 7 am when my husband was leaving to his job… There came a time when I had to choose between my marriage and my job, so I decided that it was time for a change, so I did it and I started working at a laboratory of blood tests; normal job with normal work time, kind of… I didn’t mind at the time, it was a completely different work and I used to love a good challenge. It wasn’t easy, had some nasty co-workers who made my life miserable for nine years, I cried so many times when at home, I wished so many time to quit the job but couldn’t, we had the house mortgage to pay and the car loan as well. I was unhappy!!
I always suffered from depression but I had months when I didn’t need any medication at all but after one year at this job my depression got worse and worse and till today I can’t get rid of it anymore, it’s here to stay along with anxiety and PTSD.
That job became my worse nightmare, the only way I could face the day was with antidepressants, Xanax, sleeping pills and muscle relaxants for my chest pains. I worked without stopping, always trying to be perfect so that no one could use anything against me to sack me; had to be strong to deal with evil co-workers, with overtime without payment and then catch three buses to get home feeling lifeless and drained. I lived eight years of my life like this, without time for fun or happiness. I worked hard at work, came home to continue working hard and a dog to take care; my husband at the time didn’t help me, he didn’t care that much really but thanks heavens he changed and he does helps me a lot now.
I was criticized at work for being so perfectionist and demanding towards my work, myself and towards trainees. Still I managed to make a few friends and one good, close friend, a girl 10 years younger than me. Well I thought she was a very good friend of mine till the day she double crossed me to get a promotion! That day I saw I couldn’t trust anyone really. This struck me hard! I changed position inside the lab, more responsibilities, more work, same money but at least I was working all alone, this way I could control everything and everyone, now I could prove who were the ones making mistakes. Of course I was hated by this but whenever I made a mistake I faced the consequences so why shouldn’t them? It was time for my co-workers to be responsible after all we all working with people lives.
My situation became unbearable, depression turned into a nervous breakdown leading me to suicidal thoughts all the time. I couldn’t take a medical leave because I was a dangerous for myself at home alone so I kept working, fully medicated still my thoughts were about when would I have a chance to run away and kill myself. My boss was aware of my situation, I had to be honest with her so that she could understand some of my unusual behaviours towards people. She was sympathetic with my situation and even called me brave for choosing to continue to work under such extreme health circumstances and, whenever I was alone, especially during lunch time, she used to check on me to make sure I wasn’t going to attempt suicide; my husband started picking me up at work by car so that I didn’t have any change at all. My life at work became unbearable with me always in distress, anxious, depressed, exhausted and alone. Some co-workers used to tell me that they missed my laughs… I had no reasons to laugh at all, with health problems, being unhappy at work and a nasty situation at home due to nasty neighbours.
To add some more pressure on this matter people kept telling me that I had to change, it seems I had many faults! I changed as a matter of fact, I was accepted by them all after this; I came to believe that I had to become a better person because I was a terrible one… Why had I to change when they did not? Why is me all the time and never them? I changed indeed! Am I a better person now? People say I am, husband says I am yet why do I feel that I lost my essence? Why do I feel a stranger in my own body? Why do I feel that there’s something missing?… I wonder.
This situation lasted around two years, I lost so much weight, face colour, I aged too, it felt as if I was carrying the weight of the world in my shoulders. One day I told my husband I couldn’t do this any longer, that I was going to resign. If I didn’t do that I would drive insane for good. It happens that I quit my job, managed a deal which payed my car’s loan and saved what left for other stuff, I had no right to any kind of compensation but my boss accepted my request to pay my good work for nine years. In the end being a perfectionist helped.
My life did changed for a while, I recovered from my nervous breakdown and deep depression into a mild depression. For a couple of months I hoped that my life was going to change for better, that things would change, a new start.. I was so wrong!
In the meantime, after so many years complaining about pains I was finally diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, PTSD, spine serious problems and probably with OCD and bipolar disease. I say probably because my rheumatologist wasn’t completely sure so she wanted me to see a psychiatrist. The rest you can imagine, the shock of such a diagnose plus the information that I couldn’t work anymore, that I couldn’t pick up weights and that I had to reduce my walking.
Many things happened since that day, bad things that made me the person I am today. I lost all my friends, my husband is unemployed for the past two years, I live in extreme anxiety due to dogs and neighbours constant noise and all that you know from previous posts.
With all these things that happened to me I changed, I got lost and I can’t find my way back. I’m not being poetic I’m saying exactly how I feel, LOST.
I came from an extreme where I was a sociable happy person, who laughed all the time and was a big chatter box with a few nice friends and family, a confident person who knew what I wanted to my life, so self-assured, now I find myself in the other extreme where I don’t know who am I anymore, where I am a grumpy person always complaining about everything, now I can only see the negative things and I’m unable to laugh or to express myself at all.
I am in a dark place where I look into the mirror and I don’t recognize the person reflected there, a dark soul, unhappy, bitter, antisocial, faithless and friendless; I lost the ability to see the good in people most of the times perhaps because I was hurt so many times that the scars left behind remind me not to trust anyone.
Since I was diagnosed with all those health problems that I shut myself maybe to prevent me from getting hurt even more, I can’t even cry and I want to! If only I could, it would cleanse my soul; I don’t share my pain with my husband any longer so that I won’t upset him, I feel already that I am a burden for him!
So who am I? I question myself each day and yet I am to find the answer! I used to know who I was but I changed, I got older and now I don’t know who I truly am. My husband keeps telling me that I am not this person, that my true self is hidden, that I locked it up for some reason that I must set her free again… who’s blind here? Is it me or he? Am I judging my self too hard? does he believes in fact that the girl he once knew is still here? I think that I lost myself and I am wandering out there trying to find my true self… Does this makes any sense to you?
I want to believe, hope let’s say, that one day when I can finally leave my flat and move elsewhere that things will be all right, that I will recover from my anxiety and panic attacks, from my noise sensitivity, that I will gain some sanity again… I try to hold on on this thought! I wish so much to be able to cry again, to laugh like I used to, be able to appreciate the beauty outside all over again yet I am sure that I won’t trust people anymore because I refuse myself to be hurt again. I trusted and loved my friends so much that they took advantage of me and hurt me and deserted me when I needed them the most.
It seems to me that human nature is a terrible thing because we only have friends when our life goes well, we have money and we are pain free! When we lost everything the rats just left you behind, they care not if you live or die, selfish people they are!!
So, in your opinion who am I really? The former me, the new me or I am just a puzzle?..
Note: I want to apologize for my english but I’m having some problems thinking straight with my fibro fog lately, it’s hard for me to think in my mother tongue some days so imagine how it feels like think in a foreign language.