In the Edge of the Cliff

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drowning

Empty, cold night
Scaring me to death…
Whispers in the dark,
Spirits from the depths
Following me, driving me insane!

Murmurs and wails
Maddening me!!
A freak I am in this world of madness!
All my delusions and desires
All my hopes and beliefs
Were ripped from my soul!…

Wake up, lost creature in the night!
Look at the dead water of the river …
Can you see what you are?
A failure…..

I am less than nothing!
I am darker than darkness itself!
I am sorrow and pain!
I am the whistle on the silent cold night…

Lost in this universe
A burden I became!
All this emptiness inside of me,
Burning me slowly!!…
All this loneliness,
This aching heart,
A wounded soul….

Voices in my head
Whispers filling the air…
I am so close to the cliff,
Just waiting for the dawn…

Darkness is by my side,
My only companion,
My only comfort on this empty, cold night !
Murmurs from the depths
Tormenting me, maddening me..
But I wait…
I wait but no rescue comes !

So blind I am in my pain
So deep is my sadness…
The cliff awaits for my call…
I want to jump with my arms wide open
I want to close my eyes and let myself go
The cliff awaits, yet it’s not time to go!!

© Copyright 2016 Darklady. All rights reserved.
Poem was written on October 23, 2011
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Faith, what’s this?!…

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got-faith_t1Today I feel so weary from the weekend, as usual, there wasn’t a single moment of silence in my building, it seems that people here lives to make noise and can’t live without it! For heavens sake why can’t people be quiet for a few hours? Why don’t they read a book for a change instead of disturbing the neighbours with the bloody hammers all the damn time!! Do please do something else rather than making noise…. read a book, watch a film, play a game, do some gardening or just sleep but it’s Sunday!!!!! Sundays are meant for people to relax for goodness sake, what’s wrong with people????
Most of you who are reading this have no idea what’s like living in a flat surrounded by noisy neighbours who don’t respect others space and their right to have silence! Here, each day, at the same hour, the bloody same neighbours and dogs make noise… Why on earth does someone has to hoover the damn house on a Sunday afternoon and night???? I call these kind of people poor of spirit because all they can do when at home is hoovering over and over again the damn flat!!! Arggggggggg, I hate my neighbours so much….

I do feel so depressed, last week was terrible for me with high temperatures (40 degrees celsius) and wildfires all around me, the air was unbreathable and there was only grime and ashes in the air from the fires so it was quite impossible to go outside for a walk. My fibromyalgia pains increased a lot due to stress and heat. Today’s is much cooler and it seems that we are having rain on Friday…

Yesterday evening the only sister who keeps in touch with me rang me to check on me and to ask if I and my husband had any luck with job hunt. Our situation is still the same, no jobs, money is scarce each day, I think I can say that we are broke! Well this part of the story I have already talked in previous posts.. With this I want to talk about faith!
Just in case you want to know I’m the 6th child of my parents, my brothers and sisters and I have a great age gap between us so you might imagine how our relationship is… Anyway, there’s still one of my sisters with whom I had always been closed to and the only one who keeps in touch; she had been through so many bad and terrible things her whole life still she has faith! Each time we talk she tells me to have faith in God that He will hear me and help me through this difficult path I’m in. There’s also a person who talks about faith all the time in her blogs Tessa.

When I was a child my parents forced me to have a catholic education, go to the church and so on, as I grew up my opinion about religious people changed as well as my view towards church. I don’t believe in priests, who they think they are to tell me if I am forgiven or not for my sins? who gave them that power? For me they are sinners just like us all and have no right to tell me whether I am forgiven or not! Church, whichever it is, catholic, Anglican or other they are just an enterprise, from my point of view, collecting richness but never helping the poor people. Church should give shelter to those who have no home or look for sanctuary but they only think about being rich! So what’s that thing called Faith?!
People tell me to have faith in God for He will help me through, that Faith will give me strength to endure hard times, that Faith will not let me down, that Heaven’s help will come! Rubbish I say!!! Faith! it doesn’t get me a job, it doesn’t pay my bills in the end of the month, it doesn’t give me health or cure my illness, it doesn’t make me feel stronger… Some people like Tessa and my beloved sister are true believers and they actually feel happier and manage to overcome their problems yet I cannot be like them! I am too rational towards this matter. I have prayed for help so many times, for a sign but it never came… Well, maybe I am the problem! Perhaps help have come but I was too blind to see it? Heavens above might be helping me all along without me knowing it?
I have been next to the cliff so may times, suicidal thoughts over and over again, the will to give in to pain and suffering has been tempting still somehow I have found out the strength to get up on  my feet again and fight back all those dark feelings, to overcome all my health and financial problems… I can endure so much physical pain without taking medication, I deal with panic attacks each day and with emotional affliction, sorrow and hardship yet when I think that that’s it, I can’t do it anymore, I do find the  strength to close all those feelings deep in my soul and carry on with my day. I don’t call this Faith my friends, I call it survive! There’s no drugs to easy my pains from my illness, there’s no friends or family for moral support, there’s nothing left in my life except from my husband and that’s for him that I am still alive, that I repeat to myself, each morning when I wake up, that no matter what happens, no matter how I feel I ought to carry on because there’s someone who needs me still.

So my friends, tell me what’s Faith? To be honest with you I became very pessimist in the past years  due to all the things that people have done to me, due to everything that happened to me, due to my childhood and adult traumas, I have so much to regret… I also have good memories to hold on if only I could… But this dark feelings rule my soul and heart now, buried feelings of hate, anger, injustice, loneliness, abandonment, they rule my thoughts not that I wish them but because they are the outcome of everything I have been through my whole life.

Is Faith going to solve all my problems? Please tell me how because I don’t see how… I’m not saying that I’m the person who’s right here I just don’t understand this thing most people belive in and have, called Faith!

Dreams…

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dreamsHello everyone, today I’m here to talk about something different from my usual, my own experience with dreams. Have a good reading!

So many times I wish I’d be dead so that I could find peace and silence at last. So many nights, in my dreams, I wander into the night alone searching for my home but I never know where my home is. Every night I dream that I’m lost and all by myself, I find myself unaware of the place I’m in, however, I always have the thought that I must go home yet I don’t know the way home! There’s always confusion and this feeling of being lost.
My dreams are, to be more exact, nightmares. I never dream of a quiet and silence place, or of a nice cosy house secluded from people or even of a lake surrounded by trees and birds! No, my dreams have a rule, houses with no windows or houses in the middle of roundabouts full of traffic noise. Each night I wander without knowing what I’m looking for or even without knowing where am I. Damn nightmares in which there’s always dogs haunting me..the bloody dogs!
One of my recurrent nightmares is the one where I’m trying to kill a specific person, over and over again, though each night the killing is done in a different way. I believe I blame that person for everything bad that happened in my life because he was never there to support me when he should.

Dreams, what are they? A reflection of our life? The release of our subconscious wishes?
Do I actually live in my dreams?… I wonder! My dreams or nightmares are so vivid that they leave me exhausted and hurt every time I wake up.

Bloody dreams that leave me restless! There’s always evil spirits who come to take me with them or to kill me. I keep struggling or fighting with them, sometimes I manage to escape them but soon they find me again.
I have no peace either when I am awake or when I’m asleep.
I must say that I’m always eager when night comes because after putting my earplugs on to sleep I try to believe that I won’t be able to hear noises any more, just the quietness, finally after a long day full of noise of all kinds. I become so anxious due to my wish to sleep properly yet it doesn’t happens since my brains doesn’t “switch off”, furthermore when sleep finally beats me another nightmare begins.
My dreams are… well they are exhausting. Some nights I fell asleep for just 15m or 1 hour, it’s hard for me to sleep a whole full night. In those sleeping moments, I run away from people ro evil things, I fight and sometimes I can actually fly and escape the demons. It’s rather wearing for me to sleep for there’s always the need to struggle or the urge to kill those who haunt me in my dreams.
My nightmares weren’t always been like this, usually I was tortured and I used to be scared and afraid but something changed and now I feel powerful though frightened.
I rarely have a special dream or a nice, pleasant dream, those are not for me, if only I could choose… On the other hand I used to have this specific dream, long ago, where I used to feel absolutely great. In this specific dream I to come out at night whenever the moon is full and beautiful, the street’s lights are on and I am in the top of a building. I let myself fall but I can fly, I have no wings of sort just my arms wide open! I fly and I walk on air, I sing while flying, I dance… I just feel so powerful and happy, I feel that I have everything I want and need! What a feeling it is to be able to see the world from above, the beauty of the star-like twinkling lights; then the rain comes yet I carry on dancing and singing. In this dream there are no monsters or demons to fight or escape from.

Dreams! Are they a revelation of our true consciousness? Some say that dreams are just dreams but I do not believe in such a simple explanation.

Some nights, in my dreams, deceased familiar people try to tell me something that I feel as being important yet I can’t hear what they are saying so I wake up abruptly with this sense of having lost my soul. Why are the dead trying to reach me?!… Maybe I shouldn’t give my dreams such importance nevertheless I remember each of them, every night, and I keep reviving them in my head.
Dreams cannot be simply dreams! Everything that happens while I’m sleeping affects me physically. Seldom, when I talk about them to any one, they all say “they are just dreams, they are over now”, wrong! My nightmares never end… perhaps they reflect what I truly feel, my distress, or … I don’t know!!!!
The Grim Reaper or Death occasionally appears, in my dreams, to tell me that he’s coming for me soon… I know that this sounds bit insane still I live each day with this weird feeling that my time is near… it might be due to my chronic illness but I don’t believe that. I know that most of you are probably thinking that we all are going to die sooner or later so what’s the fuss about? Nonetheless this sensation is too real for me to ignore. Each day I feel that I have so much to be done before my time comes even though I know I won’t be able to do it all. My illness doesn’t help, I’m aware of it, forcing me to postpone things due to pains or brain fog and so much more.
What if dreams are real? What if they are just a portal to another dimension? Some believe in extraterrestrial beings, some believe in witches or in some kind of God or Gods, some believe only in science. To be honest I doubt everything, religion is just a mean to control masses, science is knowledge but at the same time it blinds those who only perceive things through rationality for they are poor of spirit. I’m no arrogant or ignorant, I have my own beliefs. I trust we are not the only ones in the Universe nor I believe that is a God, at least not the God most people believe in, I have my own vision of what we call God; however why can’t we consider for a moment that dreams are more than just dreams? We believe is so many things yet is unthinkable to accept that dreams can be something more?!…
Well, in the end, all that I know is that my dreams leave me tired and seem to be real.

If there’s some one out there who might have a theory about what I wrote please let me know. I seek for answers for too long now, I feel that time is running out and that there’s some kind of message I haven’t been able to decipher yet.
If you have something to say do leave a comment but if you think I’m crazy or a fruitcake don’t even bother to post any comment. There’s already too much hate in this world and when we can’t help others or say something that isn’t hateful it’s better not to say anything at all.

Auditory Hallucination…Anyone?!

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noises

Here I am today to talk about something that has been disturbing me for some months now and I don’t know where or whom to turn to, yes as the tittle says I am talking about auditory hallucination but I will explain exactly what I’m talking about because mine are not normal at all.

First of all I want to say that as far as I know I have no mental illness, I’m not on drugs or taking any medication at all that may explain this situation and my hallucinations only happen when I’m asleep or trying to.

For you to understand a bit better where I stand, I’ll explain in short my situation for those who do not know me. I have fibromyalgia and I suffer from severe anxiety, panic attacks caused by my noise sensitivity and major stress, as some of you may know fibromyalgia affects us in so many ways, gives us pain 24/7, affects our memory, our muscles, our energy, sleepy and so on..
If you wish to know more about my illness please read my previous posts on the subject.

One of my greatest and worst problem is my noise sensitivity, and is aggravated by my surroundings, this is to say, I am surrounded by extreme noise every day; I live in a flat and in area full of buildings with a lot of noisy people and dogs!! Loads of dogs are left alone in the balconies of the flats or abandoned in last floor terraces. This wasn’t like this when I bought my flat, it was actually a quiet area, no dogs and the neighbourhood was respectful and nice but years passed by, flats were sold new people moved in and brought dogs, dozens of them… I don’t know if any of you have a situation similar but dogs here where I live they bark all day and all night as if they were in a kennel, it’s unbearable.

I was not always sensitive to noise at least not to normal noise, it all started when the first dog appeared in my building! At the beginning he didn’t make noise but something changed and one day he started barking for hours without stopping; at first it didn’t bother me much, I started using earphones when I was at the computer however time went by and the dog kept barking whole afternoon and day non stop driving me insane. My depression aggravated due to this and I saw myself unable to think or write anything at all on my blogs, I started having panic attacks because I couldn’t listen anymore this dog inside my building plus the other ones from other buildings around mine.

Years passed by, police was called often because of the dog’s noise then… another neighbour of mine got two poodles!! For heavens sake what’s wrong with people? one dog barking  isn’t enough? let’s get two more to add more noise… yes the two poodles also barked all day long!!There was nor is there any room in my flat where I can hide from the noise of my neighbours and their dogs.

I installed double glazed windows in my flat so that I would stop hearing the noisy dogs from outside and people talking out loud in their terraces and traffic as well. For you guys to visualize better the situation let me explain that I have normal windows inside, rolling shutters then on the outside the double gazed window which makes three layers of material to prevent noise still it’s not enough. After spending so much money on this I could finally find some peace, when I have all the windows shut I don’t hear people talking outside but the dogs I can still hear… they don’t stop barking and most of them are at the same height as I am. One problem was half solved yet another one appeared, new neighbours moved in and these new ones are quite noisy that’s why me and my husband can’t sleep without earplugs for the past 6 years! Some days I also have to use earplugs during the day so much is the noise inside my building.

I live 24/7 in pain due to my illness, can’t afford paying for treatment, we are both unemployed so we can’t sell our flat and move elsewhere, there’s no use to talk with my neighbours and politely ask them to reduce the noise especially after 11 p.m so that we can sleep, there’s nothing we can do or say to shut up the dogs  inside my building. Due to all these reasons and a few more I find myself always in extreme stress and I feel a prisoner in my own house since I have no right to have one single hour of silence night or day.

Well, last year I realized that I was having auditory hallucinations! Some nights when I was trying to fall asleep I started hearing the dogs barking but I was wearing my earplugs… I used to tell myself that it was impossible to be hearing baby dogs weeping! I couldn’t sleep with the noise so I removed my earplugs but kept hearing this dog; I asked my husband if there was any dog barking or making any noise at all and he always replied no!
As you can imagine I started to panic because I kept hearing the dogsso many nights I opened my side table drawer and took a wristwatch and put it next to my ear so that the tic toc sound could cancel the dog sound.. nothing worked and I was driving insane..

Time passed on and my hallucinations increased, now I wake up several times during the night because I hear dogs barking as if they were next to me, or I just wake up during the night – this happens often, I suffer from insomnia- and I start listening to dogs barking or a child crying or my upstairs neighbour talking out loud. I always remove my earplugs so that I am sure that the noise is only in my head or ear I don’t know… My husband hears nothing so it’s my problem then.

The question here is, I don’t hear voices or people talking to me and this never happens during the day, I only have hallucinations of the noises I keep hearing every day, all day long which are the same over and over, day by day, the same dogs barking, the same child screaming when they are at home, the same neighbours yelling when talking with other people…

Well I think this might be due to stress that I am subject every day and it reflects at night. As a fibromyalgia sufferer is it known that our brain never turns off like normal people, some nights I can’t fall asleep so many are my thoughts in my head, it’s like a rollercoaster. In order to be able to fall asleep I have to take valerian before going to bed but that’s all, it helps me to fall asleep most of the nights but after one hour after falling asleep I wake up…

I already know that this auditory hallucination has nothing to do with fibromyalgia but I would like very much to know if there’s anyone out there suffering of the same problem or anyone qualified that knows what this might be, do please leave a comment, if you need more details just ask me and I will tell you.

I am in need of help as for this matter and … for those who might be thinking about it… yes the better would be to visit a doctor but I don’t have money to pay a doctor whatsoever.

 

Video

Silent Storm…

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Hi everybody, I have been away for a very long time now but hopefully I will have some free time to resume my blog. There’s been happening a lot in my life in the past years and I have been trying to deal with all the problems along the way, especially with my illness, Fibromyalgia.

For now I want to share this video with all those that may come across with my blog and with my followers.

This song explains exactly what’s been going on with me on the past yearsa silent storm, a void and I have been asking myself when this storm will reach to its end… In the past few years it has been harder and harder  to express myself through words, it seems that no words are accurate for what I am feeling!

A struggle of so many years can be damaging and sometimes I just don’t know where to go, what to do or whom to turn.. I hope I see you people coming back to read my blog… soon!

 

Lost in Another Dimension

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Hello everyone, here I am again after a long time without writing anything at all.
My fibromyalgia and depression doesn’t allow me to write as often as I would like, it seems that I have ben living in another world or dimension rather than in ours.

Long ago I used to be proud of myself for continuing fighting this damned illness and my depression. I used to be able to overcome difficulties, to struggle my pains, to exercise but my strength has reached an end… I can’t fight any more, I can’t endure so many pains and the most painful of all the pains I can no longer control!

I used to believe that things might change for better however everything that happens is worse and worse than the previous one, to me it seems that I live in an endless darkness.

In my previous posts I referred that I am not taking any medication for pains nor having any treatment for depression, money isn’t enough for everything and in my financial condition I really can’t afford seeing a psychiatrist to help me with my depression, to help me dealing with the noise that maddens me each day, to help me to live one day at time.

I thought that I was stong enough to help myself and my husband but I failed completely in both cases! I am not young any more and I do not have the energy to fight as I used to nor I have the strength to give support to my husband and help him through in such hard times like the ones we are going through at the moment.

Lately I find myself with my head up in the clouds not by choice I must say, it’s more like a feeling of out-of-body sensation actually. I can’t concentrate in what people are saying to me, I do not understand the words or what they are telling me! I can’t think, I can’t reasoning or have any logic when I am speaking. I feel empty and hollow in my brain! Whenever a dog starts barking in my building I start shaking all over, I feel my legs and arms numb and my brain blocks right there…

At the moment I have in my building around eight dogs and none of them are well-behaved. People are rude and noisy just like their dogs. I live in a living hell!! There’s 24/7 noise where I live. At any time of the night my neighbours make noise, works and whatever you can imagine. I can’t rest during the day if I am ill or if I need to, I can’t sleep at night without earplugs because they decide to have a shower at two o’clock in the morning or let the dogs bark, television working very loudly till midnight or more; hammering in the walls at any time of day and night, the lift going up and down non-stop; some days there’s a special neighbour that likes to listen to the music out loud till ten o’clock in the night, he live in the morning for work and leaves his dog all alone barking all day long as it pleases!! For goodness sake, am I not allowed to have some peace and quiet??? Why people do this kind of things? there’s no respect for our neighbours space? Who the heck people think they are to behave like chimps in the wilderness????

I am so sick of rude, impolite selfish and stupid people! I am so tired of dogs barking constantly inside and outside my building! there’s no consideration whatsoever for others people health of right to quietness. I feel disgusted with the people these days honestly!

Noise is something that I can’t run away from for whatever I go there’s noise… noise.. more noise…. I reckon that fibromyalgia doesn’t help either since our senses are heightened so if we are already sensitive to noise, like me, FM will make it unbearable. Many of you may ask ” why don’t you move?”, “why don’t you talk with your neighbours?” I would simply say, move where? It’s not easy to sell a flat and find a nice house in a quiet place to settle to start, as for talking with my neighbours I have done so and explained my situation but no one gives a damn nowadays, they are all too ignorant and selfish to understand how it’s like living with a chronic illness, they are too stupid to understand that the noise they make can actually bring serious health problems to others. The world of today is full of ignorant and pricks!!

So… I lost track of what I wanted to talk about… Unfortunately this is my life now, I can’t express myself or simply have a logical thought!

I do feel misplaced towards everything! How can I be of any help to my husband if I feel the way I do? How can I help when I feel so hopeless and fragile? How can I feel happy again in a place that I loathe?! How can I have a normal life when I have to deal with my pains, with my depression, with noise and dogs barking all the time? How can I carry on when my brain is not working as it should and I keep forgetting everything? How am I supposed to live a life if I can’t learn new things because my brain has become so damaged due to my illness and to stress??… Does any one have an answer for my questions?

Each day I wake up in the morning thinking that I have one more day of hell to live, one more day to do the same tasks, one more day full of pains and fatigue… Each day is not a bliss for me but it’s more like a punishment!

I wish I could wake up one day and not being in my flat! I wish I could lay down at night without having the need to put my ear plugs to sleep! I wish I could wake up one day and still remember what I had learned in the past and remember what I read in the day before! I wish I could remember how to cook without having to look at a damn recipe!!! I wish I could be as active as I used to be! I wish I could wake up one morning and have my life back again!

Like I said, I feel like living in another dimension where there’s no light, no hope, no happiness! I wonder how anyone needs me at all when I can’t offer anything at all but just this darkness that is my life?!…

Friends should be here for us when we need them most isn’t this right? Thus I am surrounded for friends that actually do not care if I live or die, if I have money or not, if I need any help … my friends are not friends at all, except for one, who is kind enough to help me and my husband in such difficult moment of my life! How can friends be so indifferent to our problems? Maybe I am just unlucky enough to meet people like this…

Well, I wrote so much and said so little! My head is spinning around with so many questions and problems and I see no way out… I miss the days when I was able to write a poem to express myself so well but even that was taken from me! Nothing remains… except a dark shadow of who I was!

There’s no point in writing a blog, no one will read this and the ones who do won’t understand what I am trying to say! I talk about real problems in my blog and each post is about my real life! This is not fiction or easy life… I wish I could make the difference for someone, I wish I could find someone like me lost in the world…

So I will end for today with this photo of mine!

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If I asked you to speak, say anything you want the world to hear, what would it be?

I gave my answer now it’s time to spread the word… What do you have to say?

wrongwithlife

I’ve got something to say, we’ve all got something to say. If I asked you to speak, say anything you want the world to hear, what would it be?

Especially here, on WordPress of all places, I feel like we are all filled with the need to be heard, to share and to express. I am asking those of you out there who are listening/reading to share with me what it is you would want the world to know if the world could hear you, if they could all read your words. what is it that you would share with all of the human race. Please comment below and share with me, and the world what you want or need them to hear, to understand, to know…

i have already opened this conversation up to those people in my everyday life as well as my social media account and have…

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Loneliness! What Does this Word Means?!….

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tristeza

Loneliness…

This word is often used by people but in reality how many of us know what loneliness really is?! …
Few know what loneliness is, what is to suffer in silence ….
For me loneliness is:

  • being in a crowd and become invisible to others…
  • being with those we love and still feeling alone …
  • being with friends who do not feeling our presence …

Loneliness is this empty feeling wherever you go, wherever you are …You speak but no one is listening! Is trying to express ourselves and no one understand us …

Loneliness is this bitter feeling that torments and possesses us, a heavy and sad burden …
Loneliness is wish to share  our pain but being unable to do it, is the lake of power to make others feel our suffering in order to understand it…

But, why feel so much loneliness?? !!… This feeling of emptiness inside, this vacuum?
Loneliness is:

  • crying without having anyone to cry with us …
  • having nobody to wipe the tears away …
  • to write real and anger thoughts, dubious feelings in times of torment in any journal that no one will ever read …
  • to scream for help and no one comes …
  • walking alone in a sea of ​​people …
  • to want to share and can not …
  • to suffer in silence …
  • to lie so that we won’t hut those around us …
  • anxiety, depression, inability to change our lives !!

Loneliness is:

  • to feel excessively
  • to feel that we do not belong here …
  • to talk alone in the hope that someone will listen to us and save us from this constant and painful feeling of emptiness …

Loneliness ….

  • How many of us are alone ?!
  • How many of us think that everything will be all right? ..
  • How many of us deceive ourselves by saying “I am not alone. I have my family, so many friends, colleagues at work”?
  • How many of us cry without knowing why?
  • How many of us would like that everything would to be different? !! …

Our loneliness cannot be described but against all odds we try to give solitude a shape … Is loneliness a disease? Loneliness is:

  • to live in this world of illusion …
  • to live in the shadow …
  • to live small …
  • to live without meaning …
  • death disguised of life …
  • to live without colors …

Loneliness is dying slowly and feel every single moment intensely …. is to live in regret and pain … Loneliness is actually not being “seen” … It is the death in disguise ..

Loneliness is endless suffering !!

Is it time to give up yet?…

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There’s been a very long time since I came here to write something but it happens that lately I’ve lost my voice and words fail me to express myself.

As for my Fibromyalgia pains they are still here stronger than ever thus I try not to think much about it… I try to ignore them so see if they disappear somehow but they do not I’m afraid. Silent aches, pins and needles, spasms, I really feel like a voodoo doll! I begin to believe that pains are my closest companion so used i am becoming to them. what’s the point to complaint? what’s the point to fight? what’s the point to believe in a better future? None!!

I simply accepted that pains will always be here, inside my body and mind, torturing me each single day and night and there’s nothing I can do about it! However there’s an issue of my illness that worries me too much… my everlasting depression! This incredible sensitivity to noises is driving me insane… the thoughts I have I dare not share them with anyone but my husband and even so I keep some of them to myself.

I wonder  if I am losing my mind or if it is just my illness playing with me?!… I long for a proper treatment that works on me to easy my pains, my depression and restore my sleep. I long for the day that i will be me again and feel like doing everything that I have always loved such as writing poetry, doing some gardening, blogging and I would like very much to resume my two novels and finish writing them once for all!

Here and there I read idiotic quotes that tells me that it’s my fault who i have become, that we can always change things if we want to, silly quotes that know nothing about silent illness or living in constant pain! Dreams exist but most of the times that’s all they are just dreams nothing else and we are mistaken if we truly believe that one day they will come true!! Wishes we all have them… I wish I could change my life, I wish i didn’t have a chronic illness that is killing me slowly and damaging my body and brain, i wish I could be who I once was… But I cannot… wishes are just wishes they do not depend on our will because if they do I would have been cured a long time ago.

As for those who know nothing about inner suffering, loneliness, acute pain, fragility, treason, deception… Those who know how it is live in the darkness don’t ever tell us that we are selfish when we have suicidal thoughts! Try to walk in my shoes first then you can have an opinion!

If only I could express myself here, share my thoughts with some of you yet I cannot do it! This society is too judgy and like to label people. If only I could say what’s going on in my mind…

Well I cannot tell my own thoughts so I have to find a way to hide them deep inside along with my constant pains and sadness. I want to believe that one day I will shine again that I will be useful somehow but for now I only pray for strength and courage to carry on and to face all the negativity and my demons.

A little bit of hope and light in such dark times

Saint Clara, The Light

My Life in Loop!…

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Another year has begun and I just feel that nothing has really changed. My life became upside down and I feel powerless to overcome all the problems I’m facing. Some days I actually hate the world and every single person in it. But the worst of it is that I hate myself and I truly believe that everything is my fault.

It is not easy to walk in my shoes… It’s not easy at all living with Fibromyalgia and pretending that I am normal. Each day is a real challenge for me and each night I fall asleep wondering whether I will wake up in the following morning.

Madness rules my life as well as stress at the highest level. My daily struggle not to give in to illness or to insanity is running out my energy. I am so tired of fighting! I am not an immortal warrior who will live forever and endure all the danger and pain! I am just an ordinary person who has to live with a chronic illness thus with its consequences in body and mind.

Pain! So many of you hear this word probably every day yet do you actually know the meaning of that word? I’m talking here about real pain that never goes away. Pain 24/7, 365 days a year.

In the past I used to express myself through words, through my poetry however in the last few years my illness has been winning this fight therefore I cannot find any longer the right words to tell you how I actually feel.

I also used to cry quite often in despair result of my body pains and hopelessness, I used to pray for better days and for strength but not any more. Nowadays I wake up,  I have my breakfast, take a shower and I start doing the work that must be done. I go out for a quick walk to stretch my muscles and to remind my body that it can’t give up, that I have to carry on even though I have to go slower.

I sometimes feel that I am just a ghost in this world for I am invisible for most people I care about. I do still feel shocked with some friend’s insensitivity towards my financial situation knowing that I can’t afford any kind of treatment for my illness, that I can’t work and so on. This annoys me a lot indeed and makes me become colder and bitter! I don’t respect these people, I don’t even call them friends because they are not. Still, Not all the people in the world can be so heartless. I found help in this darkness from a true friend who actually cares and understands what I’m going through. To this good-hearted person I am thankful and I will never be able to thank him all the help is offering.

My life is in loop because no matter what I do it seems that I am still in the same place. No matter how long I run I will always find myself in th very same spot. Déjà vu moments are common in my life as is the feeling of helplessness when I need to be strong and help my husband through this crisis in our life. I wish so much to be useful and help when he needs me the most but my body and mind fails me.

Fibromyalgia rules our lives and there’s nothing I can do to make it stop. Can you believe me when I say that I am making an effort? That I am trying hard? Will you believe me if I tell you that I hide my pains and pretend to be well just not to disturb you? Well, I do it quite often. I keep walking and I keep doing things even though when I am not fine.

My hidden feelings for a long time are destroying me inside. Feelings that I try to control with all my strength each day, each hour… I am bursting inside! What do I feel? Here’s just a small list:

  • despair
  • panic
  • fear
  • need of crying
  • screaming
  • hopelessness
  • loneliness
  • pains… a lot of pains
  • fatigue
  • struggle
  • anger, a lot of anger
  • hate
  • frustration
  • sadness
  • uncomprehended
  • guilt
  • nostalgia

Countless times I say cruel words to the person I most love in my life because I feel that he doesn’t care or he doesn’t realize how much I am suffering. Over and over I feel a guilt that breaks my heart for behaving this way… If only I could show him the real pain and the real feeling behind the harsh words told without meaning! Again and again I make the same mistake probably a consequence of feeling so much pain. Pain can turn us into selfish beings that in fact only long for love, for simple and unconditional love.

Each day I live with regret for what I have done, for what I do and for what I haven’t done yet. Each day I wait for a miracle and for redemption if I am entitled to it! So please do not judge, I am not a cruel person I am just angry, too much angry with life.

As I referred before words do not come easily these days so I am having some issues to express myself as I used to. Loads of disappointments all over my life, past traumatic events, false friends, treason and insensitivity, illness, all these are making me a different person and I wish that if any of you reading my blog come across with someone suffering from Fibromyalgia please respect them because we suffer too much in silence and we are so many times misunderstood.

To help you a little bit I will list just a few symptoms of this terrible chronic illness that actually can kill us as a cancer.

  • Tremor or trembling
  • Depression
  • Bipolar
  • Non- allergic rhinitis
  • Magnesium deficiency
  • Vitamin D deficiency
  •  Abdominal wall pain
  • Burning Nerve Pain
  • Elbow pain
  • Exacerbated Plantar arch or heel pain
  • Headache – tension or migraine
  • Inflamed Rib Cartilage / Rib Pain
  • Joint pain
  • Morning stiffness
  • Muscle pain, spasms, twitching, weakness
  • Pain that ranges from moderate to severe / Pain that moves around the body
  • Paralysis or severe weakness of an arm or leg
  •  Scalp Pain / Loss of hair
  • Sciatica-like pain
  • Tender points or trigger points
  •  “Voodoo Doll” Poking Sensation in random places
  • Blackouts / Lightheadedness
  • Brain fog /  Inability to think clearly
  • Feeling spaced out / Directional disorientation
  • Numbness or tingling sensations
  • Noise intolerance / Photophobia (sensitivity to light)
  • Tinnitus (ringing in one or both ears)
  • Bumping into things / Clumsy Walking / Frequent tripping or stumbling
  • Poor balance and coordination
  • Insomnia / Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep / Un-refreshing or non-restorative sleep
  • Fatigue
  • Teeth grinding
  • vision problems / Blurry vision
  • Eye pain
  • Difficulty expressing ideas in words
  • Difficulty following conversation (especially if background noise present)
  • Difficulty following oral instructions or written instructions
  • Difficulty making decisions
  • Difficulty paying attention / putting ideas together to form a complete picture
  • Difficulty remembering names of objects, people
  • Difficulty understanding what you read
  • Difficulty with long-term memory / short-term memory
  • Difficulty with simple calculations
  • Impaired ability to concentrate
  • Inability to recognize familiar surroundings
  • Losing your train of thought in the middle of a sentence / Slowed speech
  • Using the wrong word / Word-finding difficulty
  • Transposition (reversal) of numbers, words and/or letters when you speak or write
  • Abrupt and/or unpredictable mood swings
  • Anger outbursts / Anxiety or fear / Attacks of uncontrollable rage / Irrational fears / Irritability
  • Depressed mood / Feeling helpless and/or hopeless
  • Feeling worthless
  • Personality changes –usually a worsening of pervious condition
  • Suicide attempts / Suicidal thoughts
  • Stomachache / Irritable bowel syndrome
  • Fluttery heartbeat / Irregular heartbeat
  • Pain that mimics heart attack
  • Dental problems
  • Disk Degeneration
  • Bruising easily
  • Itchy/Irritable skin
  • Rashes or sores / Mottled skin
  • Loss of Libido / impotence/ Pelvic pain
  • etc

The above are just a few among others symptoms from Fibromyalgia. REMEMBER, THERE’S NO CURE FOR THIS ILLNESS only HOPE.

So to give some light to everyone who suffers from fibromyalgia I will post a photo, my copyright. Enjoy it.

Guardian Angel, St. Michael