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Sometimes I feel that all is lost because my life as I used to know is no longer and what I thought to be real isn’t any more. We are raised to believe that life is only a life if we have a job, a few children, lots of friends and a big family that will always be there to support us and love us unconditionally. I used to live upon these expectations till the day everything changed in my life. I realized that sometimes we have to stop so that we can see the world the way it truly is.

Family doesn’t mean love or support, as for friends they will never be there whenever you need them the most or help you to get thought hard battles. When I distance myself from what surrounds me I see that battles are my own to fight all alone, my fears are only mine to be faced and defeated, my loneliness is my own to be felt and to be understood.

For many years now I felt lost and homeless despite I own a house but only today I understand that I was never lost at all and the reason why I feel homeless is all due to the fact that I haven’t found yet my place in this world, a site and location where I can be myself and feel at peace finally with oneself.
Where I live right now is just a path I have to walk to find the real home for me. I only feel lost because there’s too much noise on the way that distracts me from the true goal and a home is the place where we feel at peace and I am yet to find it.

Every single day I fight an inner battle that no one knows. My soul is like an endless war where there’s a dark side and a bright side, a war between evil and good; some battles I can win some others are harder to deal with. Some days I question myself: who am I really? Am I trying hard enough? Can I change the world? Can I be a better me? Every single day is a torment that is my own to face and to conquer, no one can help but me…

In one hand I wish I had the power to change things, to change the world and how people behave towards each other, I wish I had the power to balance good and evil, right and wrong, justice and injustice but I have no such power just a silly wish! On the other hand I just wish that the world as we know is gone forever and would born anew.

I have hate in my heart as much I have love, I cry when I watch a Christmas carol from Charles Dickens but it seems to me that I am the only one understanding the moral of the story, I cry when I see the Beauty and the Beast or Frankenstein because I see what others cannot, that those who we call monsters are just human beings with a defect but with a heart within them, however is it the ugliness in them that makes them the monsters?…
Monsters are those who judge without compassion, who are selfish, who refuse love to a sad soul, monsters are those who think beauty is being blonde, or having a pretty face, a perfect body! Those so-called “monsters” by people have a loving heart and feel love and compassion and sympathy, they are willing to help but no one accepts them because they are ugly and abnormal.
I cry when I watch Dracula because despite everything he have done he did it out of love! When you take what we have most precious in our life which is true love, you take away our souls and that’s when we become real monsters…

Society lost its ability to see beyond our faces, it’s judgemental and that is so wrong. People nowadays want to erase atrocities from the past without realizing that by doing it they will forget all the mistakes humanity have made in the past and consequently it will lead us to make the same mistakes sooner or later. History is a life lesson, it teaches us that we are all humans and therefore we make mistakes moreover we should have learnt from them in order to prevent similar situations in the future however it seems that these days it’s easier to forget everything rather than remember in order to prevent.
Let’s return to Middle-Ages and burn all the books and movies that were made and had so much success just because some ignorant truly believe that those books or movies are racists, sexists or even worse… wow they talk about witchcraft!! Let’s burn it all on big pile, let’s censorship play its role because unfortunately there are many people in the world who weren’t blessed with intelligence and they see everything they don’t understand as a threat! Get a grip!!

I use to say quite often “it’s not fair” because I tend to analyze everything too much and I do realize that life isn’t fair. Why do people who work so hard are always poor? Why those who commit crimes eventually are set free? Why millionaires don’t help to build a better world if they have the tools for it? They have the money so they could build shelters for the homeless, they could hire professionals to educate and teach people in 3rd world countries how to survive, sometimes all we need to do is to help, not give them all in hand but teach them how to survive, how hard is this?

Not every one that is homeless it is because they like it or have chosen it as a way of life, no, most of them had once a job, a house, a family and friends but life can play tricks on us, why people despise so much a beggar? How hard it is for you who’s reading this to give a coin to a beggar? Or just some food? Are you afraid that poverty might be contagious? It is not but contagious is our society’s attitude towards those less fortunate.
I don’t have much right now, I have a chronic illness, I have lost all my friends when things turn out tough, I hardly have money to pay my bills and buy food, I’m surviving on my life savings that soon will end and I myself may become a homeless. I learned a long time ago that I alone cannot change the world but I can make a difference by choosing being compassionate so despite I don’t have much I feel better when I give a beggar a coin because I think and I also try hard to believe that it doesn’t matter how much you give, still if you do it that it will make the difference!
Help those in need because they are not the problem, society is the problem, the cancer of this world we live in!

So much waste of money and food and no one is kind enough to share it with the poor!
If I was a millionaire I would build a place to shelter those homeless on winter days so that they could have a place to have a warm dish and a bed to sleep at night, a place where they would feel normal and not a disease.

I feel anger because life isn’t fair and there are so many idiots out there that truly believe that we have what we deserve when it’s not true. If we all could control our destiny and life we would be all very happy, healthy and wealthy people but this is not how life works. People seem to forget that one day they might lose everything and end up living on the streets as well.

I am an idiot because I care too much, I try too hard to do the right thing, to make the right decisions, to be a nicer person, to please everybody yet in the end I am just that, an idiot because I cannot be happy if I keep trying over and over again and continue to judge myself by saying that “you’re not doing good enough… you’re not trying hard enough! You have to be perfect, to be the best, to be intelligent, you have to be everything” This is me being my own torture every single day of my life.

All my life I lived with this feeling that I have to prove something to the world despite I have no idea whatsoever it might be.… probably growing up on my own, although I had a big family, didn’t help me at all.I have always felt I wasn’t loved and that I was in the wrong place… feeling lost for most of my life I now know what I need to be fully happy…
I don’t need to own a house, or to be rich, I don’t need a huge list of friends, I don’t even need the family that probably never loved me that much at all.. I just need a simple life, tiny things that make me smile like a beautiful garden or a lovely flower, a cat, the smile of a stranger that wishes me “happy New Year” without knowing me from anywhere, and above all these some peace and quiet so that I can read a book , finish writing my novels and do a little bit of gardening. This is a perfect place that I would call home.

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