Not all scars show, not all wounds heal.
Sometimes you can’t see the pain that someone feels
I am sad and scared! How would you feel if only one year ago you could walk about 8 km a day, in a very fast pace, do your exercises for fibromyalgia , dance, meditate, write poetry and others and all of the sudden you realize that your muscles are weakening fast, that your spine health problems are getting worse, that your legs don’t let you walk as fast as you would like to or in some days not walk at all? Well, this is what is happening to me.
I am so tired of having pains and see my worse nightmare coming true sooner than I thought. No matter what doctors may have told me I believed that I had the time still, but time is running out for me too quickly. I get angry when I go out for a walk and my legs won’t move, my knees ache and I can barely stand up with pains in my back. Muscles stiffness and weakness is my daily life. I wake up in the morning trying to believe that today might be a good day for me then I see that’s not. All this tiredness and exhaustion is killing me.
I have resumed my meditation hoping that somehow this will help me to find some kind of peace or help me to feel good about myself. When I finish my meditation I feel like doing everything, I keep telling myself that today I’m going back to my writing and to my exercises… What a fool I am!
I look at the mirror deeply into my eyes searching for my self but I can only see wrinkles, old age due to illness, emptiness inside me… My hair is falling down like rain, my nails break easily, my joints aches as if I was made of glass… I am putting on weight and I don’t know why!! All this Vitamins to ease my pains and my health problems are probably the cause of it. I just hate myself, I hate what I see in the mirror.All I see is imperfection!
I cry when I am alone listening to a song that says exactly how I am feeling, or when I am reading a poem or just looking at a photo! I feel insanity ruling my life… I try to hold my tears because I don’t want to look weak, I must be brave and strong otherwise another person will fall down with me and that cannot happen!
I look around and I wonder where my friends are. Happy days were those when I had a job and was healthy, I used to laugh all day and be surrounded by so many people. I used to have friends who enjoyed my company and my smile; we used to have fun, hang around; I used to have friends at my house for a dinner or just a joyful afternoon playing Monopoly. However when I started feeling tired all the time and behaving as if I was carrying the weight of the world in my shoulders they all deserted me! what a fool I was by thinking that they were my friends!…
Not long ago my husband and I tried to change our lives, follow a dream of ours and at the same time an escape for my health problems, yet it didn’t happen as we hoped. Now we have nothing, just trying to look for a solution, waiting for a miracle perhaps… we have been trying so hard but it seems that heavens above are not willing to help us. Once again, I thought I had a couple of true friends left but I was wrong again!
They told me they were here for me whenever I need help, liars! One, was a total disappointment for me when I actually needed her help and she refused. I was alone and lost and all I needed was a friend to hold my hand in that moment of despair… I stayed there crying all alone, suffering in the empty night, waiting to see what the morning would bring to me, I had no one to call, no one to hold my hand, no one… 😥 .The other also offered me help still how can he care about me when he sees me not in more than one month anywhere and don’t even try to contact me to see if I am well? A last one is a riddle for me honestly. He keeps telling me that he’s very busy doing this and that nonetheless he had told me this before just to avoid talking with me because I had nothing else to offer him.
You know what?! I am so tired of people and their excuses. I know they don’t like me any more, they just want to have fun and don’t wish to deal with illnesses! I am perfectly aware how bitter I became on the past years due to my illness and all the events in my life. I am damn aware that I have major problems like probably bipolar disease not to talk about my childhood traumas! I am not dumb not to see that I have serious psychological problems to sort out along with these pains from hell all over my body.
I am so fed up with life and extremely disappointed about myself! I try so hard to be a good person, to hide my pains, to treat people kindly still is never enough is it? I ought to be strong and fight all the darkness inside me, all this anger… I can’t give up, can I ? How am I suppose to carry on without medical support and without medication for my pains? How am I supposed to overcome my traumas without a therapist? I already do so much on my own to fight all this but I’m not that young any longer… I miss the sparkle I used to have and the strength inside me… All gone now 😦
Bloody illness that takes away all the goodness from me… all my hopes and dreams! Some days I just despair because I can’t remember things, words, as I used to, I feel confused and stupid… I know that’s the illness doing this to me but this is not who I am!!!! THIS IS NOT ME!! Some days i just drag myself out of bed because my husband needs me otherwise what would be the point?
Coward… I was called once as a coward for certain thoughts of completely giving up YET what do they know about my pain? They have no idea how it’s like living like I do… 24/7 pains, brain fog, fatigue, weakness, premature aging, oblivion, no sense of direction, not be able to sleep or just have a normal conversation… First you need to walk in my shoes to see how it feels like then think twice before calling me a coward!
I have so much hidden inside but I am afraid to talk about. People judge, they are harsh, they don’t understand that I’m dying slowly… it’s not like having a cancer still it kills you each day, the scars are here for those who used to know me to see. People don’t understand that when there’s no hope of recovering but getting even worse each day there’s no much space for happiness, no much will to live whatsoever. Nevertheless, I have to live not for me, but for somebody else who need me still.
Well, I could write so much more but you’d get tired of reading my blog, so I will finish my post today with a small poem of mine.