Today I feel so weary from the weekend, as usual, there wasn’t a single moment of silence in my building, it seems that people here lives to make noise and can’t live without it! For heavens sake why can’t people be quiet for a few hours? Why don’t they read a book for a change instead of disturbing the neighbours with the bloody hammers all the damn time!! Do please do something else rather than making noise…. read a book, watch a film, play a game, do some gardening or just sleep but it’s Sunday!!!!! Sundays are meant for people to relax for goodness sake, what’s wrong with people????
Most of you who are reading this have no idea what’s like living in a flat surrounded by noisy neighbours who don’t respect others space and their right to have silence! Here, each day, at the same hour, the bloody same neighbours and dogs make noise… Why on earth does someone has to hoover the damn house on a Sunday afternoon and night???? I call these kind of people poor of spirit because all they can do when at home is hoovering over and over again the damn flat!!! Arggggggggg, I hate my neighbours so much….
I do feel so depressed, last week was terrible for me with high temperatures (40 degrees celsius) and wildfires all around me, the air was unbreathable and there was only grime and ashes in the air from the fires so it was quite impossible to go outside for a walk. My fibromyalgia pains increased a lot due to stress and heat. Today’s is much cooler and it seems that we are having rain on Friday…
Yesterday evening the only sister who keeps in touch with me rang me to check on me and to ask if I and my husband had any luck with job hunt. Our situation is still the same, no jobs, money is scarce each day, I think I can say that we are broke! Well this part of the story I have already talked in previous posts.. With this I want to talk about faith!
Just in case you want to know I’m the 6th child of my parents, my brothers and sisters and I have a great age gap between us so you might imagine how our relationship is… Anyway, there’s still one of my sisters with whom I had always been closed to and the only one who keeps in touch; she had been through so many bad and terrible things her whole life still she has faith! Each time we talk she tells me to have faith in God that He will hear me and help me through this difficult path I’m in. There’s also a person who talks about faith all the time in her blogs Tessa.
When I was a child my parents forced me to have a catholic education, go to the church and so on, as I grew up my opinion about religious people changed as well as my view towards church. I don’t believe in priests, who they think they are to tell me if I am forgiven or not for my sins? who gave them that power? For me they are sinners just like us all and have no right to tell me whether I am forgiven or not! Church, whichever it is, catholic, Anglican or other they are just an enterprise, from my point of view, collecting richness but never helping the poor people. Church should give shelter to those who have no home or look for sanctuary but they only think about being rich! So what’s that thing called Faith?!
People tell me to have faith in God for He will help me through, that Faith will give me strength to endure hard times, that Faith will not let me down, that Heaven’s help will come! Rubbish I say!!! Faith! it doesn’t get me a job, it doesn’t pay my bills in the end of the month, it doesn’t give me health or cure my illness, it doesn’t make me feel stronger… Some people like Tessa and my beloved sister are true believers and they actually feel happier and manage to overcome their problems yet I cannot be like them! I am too rational towards this matter. I have prayed for help so many times, for a sign but it never came… Well, maybe I am the problem! Perhaps help have come but I was too blind to see it? Heavens above might be helping me all along without me knowing it?
I have been next to the cliff so may times, suicidal thoughts over and over again, the will to give in to pain and suffering has been tempting still somehow I have found out the strength to get up on my feet again and fight back all those dark feelings, to overcome all my health and financial problems… I can endure so much physical pain without taking medication, I deal with panic attacks each day and with emotional affliction, sorrow and hardship yet when I think that that’s it, I can’t do it anymore, I do find the strength to close all those feelings deep in my soul and carry on with my day. I don’t call this Faith my friends, I call it survive! There’s no drugs to easy my pains from my illness, there’s no friends or family for moral support, there’s nothing left in my life except from my husband and that’s for him that I am still alive, that I repeat to myself, each morning when I wake up, that no matter what happens, no matter how I feel I ought to carry on because there’s someone who needs me still.
So my friends, tell me what’s Faith? To be honest with you I became very pessimist in the past years due to all the things that people have done to me, due to everything that happened to me, due to my childhood and adult traumas, I have so much to regret… I also have good memories to hold on if only I could… But this dark feelings rule my soul and heart now, buried feelings of hate, anger, injustice, loneliness, abandonment, they rule my thoughts not that I wish them but because they are the outcome of everything I have been through my whole life.
Is Faith going to solve all my problems? Please tell me how because I don’t see how… I’m not saying that I’m the person who’s right here I just don’t understand this thing most people belive in and have, called Faith!