Hello everyone, here I am again after a long time without writing anything at all.
My fibromyalgia and depression doesn’t allow me to write as often as I would like, it seems that I have ben living in another world or dimension rather than in ours.
Long ago I used to be proud of myself for continuing fighting this damned illness and my depression. I used to be able to overcome difficulties, to struggle my pains, to exercise but my strength has reached an end… I can’t fight any more, I can’t endure so many pains and the most painful of all the pains I can no longer control!
I used to believe that things might change for better however everything that happens is worse and worse than the previous one, to me it seems that I live in an endless darkness.
In my previous posts I referred that I am not taking any medication for pains nor having any treatment for depression, money isn’t enough for everything and in my financial condition I really can’t afford seeing a psychiatrist to help me with my depression, to help me dealing with the noise that maddens me each day, to help me to live one day at time.
I thought that I was stong enough to help myself and my husband but I failed completely in both cases! I am not young any more and I do not have the energy to fight as I used to nor I have the strength to give support to my husband and help him through in such hard times like the ones we are going through at the moment.
Lately I find myself with my head up in the clouds not by choice I must say, it’s more like a feeling of out-of-body sensation actually. I can’t concentrate in what people are saying to me, I do not understand the words or what they are telling me! I can’t think, I can’t reasoning or have any logic when I am speaking. I feel empty and hollow in my brain! Whenever a dog starts barking in my building I start shaking all over, I feel my legs and arms numb and my brain blocks right there…
At the moment I have in my building around eight dogs and none of them are well-behaved. People are rude and noisy just like their dogs. I live in a living hell!! There’s 24/7 noise where I live. At any time of the night my neighbours make noise, works and whatever you can imagine. I can’t rest during the day if I am ill or if I need to, I can’t sleep at night without earplugs because they decide to have a shower at two o’clock in the morning or let the dogs bark, television working very loudly till midnight or more; hammering in the walls at any time of day and night, the lift going up and down non-stop; some days there’s a special neighbour that likes to listen to the music out loud till ten o’clock in the night, he live in the morning for work and leaves his dog all alone barking all day long as it pleases!! For goodness sake, am I not allowed to have some peace and quiet??? Why people do this kind of things? there’s no respect for our neighbours space? Who the heck people think they are to behave like chimps in the wilderness????
I am so sick of rude, impolite selfish and stupid people! I am so tired of dogs barking constantly inside and outside my building! there’s no consideration whatsoever for others people health of right to quietness. I feel disgusted with the people these days honestly!
Noise is something that I can’t run away from for whatever I go there’s noise… noise.. more noise…. I reckon that fibromyalgia doesn’t help either since our senses are heightened so if we are already sensitive to noise, like me, FM will make it unbearable. Many of you may ask ” why don’t you move?”, “why don’t you talk with your neighbours?” I would simply say, move where? It’s not easy to sell a flat and find a nice house in a quiet place to settle to start, as for talking with my neighbours I have done so and explained my situation but no one gives a damn nowadays, they are all too ignorant and selfish to understand how it’s like living with a chronic illness, they are too stupid to understand that the noise they make can actually bring serious health problems to others. The world of today is full of ignorant and pricks!!
So… I lost track of what I wanted to talk about… Unfortunately this is my life now, I can’t express myself or simply have a logical thought!
I do feel misplaced towards everything! How can I be of any help to my husband if I feel the way I do? How can I help when I feel so hopeless and fragile? How can I feel happy again in a place that I loathe?! How can I have a normal life when I have to deal with my pains, with my depression, with noise and dogs barking all the time? How can I carry on when my brain is not working as it should and I keep forgetting everything? How am I supposed to live a life if I can’t learn new things because my brain has become so damaged due to my illness and to stress??… Does any one have an answer for my questions?
Each day I wake up in the morning thinking that I have one more day of hell to live, one more day to do the same tasks, one more day full of pains and fatigue… Each day is not a bliss for me but it’s more like a punishment!
I wish I could wake up one day and not being in my flat! I wish I could lay down at night without having the need to put my ear plugs to sleep! I wish I could wake up one day and still remember what I had learned in the past and remember what I read in the day before! I wish I could remember how to cook without having to look at a damn recipe!!! I wish I could be as active as I used to be! I wish I could wake up one morning and have my life back again!
Like I said, I feel like living in another dimension where there’s no light, no hope, no happiness! I wonder how anyone needs me at all when I can’t offer anything at all but just this darkness that is my life?!…
Friends should be here for us when we need them most isn’t this right? Thus I am surrounded for friends that actually do not care if I live or die, if I have money or not, if I need any help … my friends are not friends at all, except for one, who is kind enough to help me and my husband in such difficult moment of my life! How can friends be so indifferent to our problems? Maybe I am just unlucky enough to meet people like this…
Well, I wrote so much and said so little! My head is spinning around with so many questions and problems and I see no way out… I miss the days when I was able to write a poem to express myself so well but even that was taken from me! Nothing remains… except a dark shadow of who I was!
There’s no point in writing a blog, no one will read this and the ones who do won’t understand what I am trying to say! I talk about real problems in my blog and each post is about my real life! This is not fiction or easy life… I wish I could make the difference for someone, I wish I could find someone like me lost in the world…
So I will end for today with this photo of mine!