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There’s been a very long time since I came here to write something but it happens that lately I’ve lost my voice and words fail me to express myself.

As for my Fibromyalgia pains they are still here stronger than ever thus I try not to think much about it… I try to ignore them so see if they disappear somehow but they do not I’m afraid. Silent aches, pins and needles, spasms, I really feel like a voodoo doll! I begin to believe that pains are my closest companion so used i am becoming to them. what’s the point to complaint? what’s the point to fight? what’s the point to believe in a better future? None!!

I simply accepted that pains will always be here, inside my body and mind, torturing me each single day and night and there’s nothing I can do about it! However there’s an issue of my illness that worries me too much… my everlasting depression! This incredible sensitivity to noises is driving me insane… the thoughts I have I dare not share them with anyone but my husband and even so I keep some of them to myself.

I wonder  if I am losing my mind or if it is just my illness playing with me?!… I long for a proper treatment that works on me to easy my pains, my depression and restore my sleep. I long for the day that i will be me again and feel like doing everything that I have always loved such as writing poetry, doing some gardening, blogging and I would like very much to resume my two novels and finish writing them once for all!

Here and there I read idiotic quotes that tells me that it’s my fault who i have become, that we can always change things if we want to, silly quotes that know nothing about silent illness or living in constant pain! Dreams exist but most of the times that’s all they are just dreams nothing else and we are mistaken if we truly believe that one day they will come true!! Wishes we all have them… I wish I could change my life, I wish i didn’t have a chronic illness that is killing me slowly and damaging my body and brain, i wish I could be who I once was… But I cannot… wishes are just wishes they do not depend on our will because if they do I would have been cured a long time ago.

As for those who know nothing about inner suffering, loneliness, acute pain, fragility, treason, deception… Those who know how it is live in the darkness don’t ever tell us that we are selfish when we have suicidal thoughts! Try to walk in my shoes first then you can have an opinion!

If only I could express myself here, share my thoughts with some of you yet I cannot do it! This society is too judgy and like to label people. If only I could say what’s going on in my mind…

Well I cannot tell my own thoughts so I have to find a way to hide them deep inside along with my constant pains and sadness. I want to believe that one day I will shine again that I will be useful somehow but for now I only pray for strength and courage to carry on and to face all the negativity and my demons.

A little bit of hope and light in such dark times

Saint Clara, The Light

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