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Another year has begun and I just feel that nothing has really changed. My life became upside down and I feel powerless to overcome all the problems I’m facing. Some days I actually hate the world and every single person in it. But the worst of it is that I hate myself and I truly believe that everything is my fault.

It is not easy to walk in my shoes… It’s not easy at all living with Fibromyalgia and pretending that I am normal. Each day is a real challenge for me and each night I fall asleep wondering whether I will wake up in the following morning.

Madness rules my life as well as stress at the highest level. My daily struggle not to give in to illness or to insanity is running out my energy. I am so tired of fighting! I am not an immortal warrior who will live forever and endure all the danger and pain! I am just an ordinary person who has to live with a chronic illness thus with its consequences in body and mind.

Pain! So many of you hear this word probably every day yet do you actually know the meaning of that word? I’m talking here about real pain that never goes away. Pain 24/7, 365 days a year.

In the past I used to express myself through words, through my poetry however in the last few years my illness has been winning this fight therefore I cannot find any longer the right words to tell you how I actually feel.

I also used to cry quite often in despair result of my body pains and hopelessness, I used to pray for better days and for strength but not any more. Nowadays I wake up,  I have my breakfast, take a shower and I start doing the work that must be done. I go out for a quick walk to stretch my muscles and to remind my body that it can’t give up, that I have to carry on even though I have to go slower.

I sometimes feel that I am just a ghost in this world for I am invisible for most people I care about. I do still feel shocked with some friend’s insensitivity towards my financial situation knowing that I can’t afford any kind of treatment for my illness, that I can’t work and so on. This annoys me a lot indeed and makes me become colder and bitter! I don’t respect these people, I don’t even call them friends because they are not. Still, Not all the people in the world can be so heartless. I found help in this darkness from a true friend who actually cares and understands what I’m going through. To this good-hearted person I am thankful and I will never be able to thank him all the help is offering.

My life is in loop because no matter what I do it seems that I am still in the same place. No matter how long I run I will always find myself in th very same spot. Déjà vu moments are common in my life as is the feeling of helplessness when I need to be strong and help my husband through this crisis in our life. I wish so much to be useful and help when he needs me the most but my body and mind fails me.

Fibromyalgia rules our lives and there’s nothing I can do to make it stop. Can you believe me when I say that I am making an effort? That I am trying hard? Will you believe me if I tell you that I hide my pains and pretend to be well just not to disturb you? Well, I do it quite often. I keep walking and I keep doing things even though when I am not fine.

My hidden feelings for a long time are destroying me inside. Feelings that I try to control with all my strength each day, each hour… I am bursting inside! What do I feel? Here’s just a small list:

  • despair
  • panic
  • fear
  • need of crying
  • screaming
  • hopelessness
  • loneliness
  • pains… a lot of pains
  • fatigue
  • struggle
  • anger, a lot of anger
  • hate
  • frustration
  • sadness
  • uncomprehended
  • guilt
  • nostalgia

Countless times I say cruel words to the person I most love in my life because I feel that he doesn’t care or he doesn’t realize how much I am suffering. Over and over I feel a guilt that breaks my heart for behaving this way… If only I could show him the real pain and the real feeling behind the harsh words told without meaning! Again and again I make the same mistake probably a consequence of feeling so much pain. Pain can turn us into selfish beings that in fact only long for love, for simple and unconditional love.

Each day I live with regret for what I have done, for what I do and for what I haven’t done yet. Each day I wait for a miracle and for redemption if I am entitled to it! So please do not judge, I am not a cruel person I am just angry, too much angry with life.

As I referred before words do not come easily these days so I am having some issues to express myself as I used to. Loads of disappointments all over my life, past traumatic events, false friends, treason and insensitivity, illness, all these are making me a different person and I wish that if any of you reading my blog come across with someone suffering from Fibromyalgia please respect them because we suffer too much in silence and we are so many times misunderstood.

To help you a little bit I will list just a few symptoms of this terrible chronic illness that actually can kill us as a cancer.

  • Tremor or trembling
  • Depression
  • Bipolar
  • Non- allergic rhinitis
  • Magnesium deficiency
  • Vitamin D deficiency
  •  Abdominal wall pain
  • Burning Nerve Pain
  • Elbow pain
  • Exacerbated Plantar arch or heel pain
  • Headache – tension or migraine
  • Inflamed Rib Cartilage / Rib Pain
  • Joint pain
  • Morning stiffness
  • Muscle pain, spasms, twitching, weakness
  • Pain that ranges from moderate to severe / Pain that moves around the body
  • Paralysis or severe weakness of an arm or leg
  •  Scalp Pain / Loss of hair
  • Sciatica-like pain
  • Tender points or trigger points
  •  “Voodoo Doll” Poking Sensation in random places
  • Blackouts / Lightheadedness
  • Brain fog /  Inability to think clearly
  • Feeling spaced out / Directional disorientation
  • Numbness or tingling sensations
  • Noise intolerance / Photophobia (sensitivity to light)
  • Tinnitus (ringing in one or both ears)
  • Bumping into things / Clumsy Walking / Frequent tripping or stumbling
  • Poor balance and coordination
  • Insomnia / Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep / Un-refreshing or non-restorative sleep
  • Fatigue
  • Teeth grinding
  • vision problems / Blurry vision
  • Eye pain
  • Difficulty expressing ideas in words
  • Difficulty following conversation (especially if background noise present)
  • Difficulty following oral instructions or written instructions
  • Difficulty making decisions
  • Difficulty paying attention / putting ideas together to form a complete picture
  • Difficulty remembering names of objects, people
  • Difficulty understanding what you read
  • Difficulty with long-term memory / short-term memory
  • Difficulty with simple calculations
  • Impaired ability to concentrate
  • Inability to recognize familiar surroundings
  • Losing your train of thought in the middle of a sentence / Slowed speech
  • Using the wrong word / Word-finding difficulty
  • Transposition (reversal) of numbers, words and/or letters when you speak or write
  • Abrupt and/or unpredictable mood swings
  • Anger outbursts / Anxiety or fear / Attacks of uncontrollable rage / Irrational fears / Irritability
  • Depressed mood / Feeling helpless and/or hopeless
  • Feeling worthless
  • Personality changes –usually a worsening of pervious condition
  • Suicide attempts / Suicidal thoughts
  • Stomachache / Irritable bowel syndrome
  • Fluttery heartbeat / Irregular heartbeat
  • Pain that mimics heart attack
  • Dental problems
  • Disk Degeneration
  • Bruising easily
  • Itchy/Irritable skin
  • Rashes or sores / Mottled skin
  • Loss of Libido / impotence/ Pelvic pain
  • etc

The above are just a few among others symptoms from Fibromyalgia. REMEMBER, THERE’S NO CURE FOR THIS ILLNESS only HOPE.

So to give some light to everyone who suffers from fibromyalgia I will post a photo, my copyright. Enjoy it.

Guardian Angel, St. Michael