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Hello everybody, I hope that wherever you are it’s a beautiful sunny day and that you feel happy and well. It’s raining here and it has been like this for quite some days now which make me almost impossible to go out for my walks however today I had the chance to go for a quick one just to stretch  my muscles and to relieve a little bit my fIbromyalgia pains.

HERE’S MY SUNSHINE FLOWER TAKEN THE OTHER DAY…. ENJOY 🙂

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I must be honest… I really don’t want to talk about the weather or my illness! I’m so angry and annoyed with some people behaviour towards me. I thought they were my friends especially one in particular. I never had any luck with my friendships since I was a toddler but I thought that with age things and people would change for better… How mistaken I was!  What a fool I am! They are all the same 😥  When I was a healthy, happy person I had lots of friends but when the illness came and my mood wasn’t that merry any longer, in time they all deserted me. A few remained but now where are they? I do wonder…

I had two good friends with whom I used to have fun, dine every Tuesdays, celebrate, Halloween, New Year, Birthdays… but somehow along the way they got lost with new friendships. The became shallow people and all that used to matter for them was the appearances and money. Time came when they started lying to me over and over again, hiding things… what’s the point I ask?? They have been there for me in th past and I helped them so much too, this saddens me!!…After a few years of lies and putting me down, making me feel less and worthless, after I have been talking with them about my chronic illness, my deep depression, my fears and my will to put an end to life they responded me in the most outrageous and mean way that a friend should be… Calling me a coward, a fake person, insensitive and selfish after all that I have done for them both?!… I was there when her father died! I was there when the mother was fed up with the daughter, I was there cleaning their mess when I was far too small and less strong than both of them! I was asking for help in a most depressive time of my life… I was lost and they treated me like trash!

I couldn’t pretend any more that I didn’t know about their lies and their mistreat against me all the time so I decided to walk away from their house and never come back again. Another friend of mine, at the time, judge me for making that decision… I couldn’t endure being putting down every time I was with them! That hurt me deeply!…

Now talking about this other friend of mine. I know him for a very long time and I’ve always respected him, trusted him, listened to him and asked for his advises. He knows so much about myself, I used to follow him wherever he went I was there but he didn’t stay long in one place for long time so I started getting fed up with it also. When I do something I stay I have no need to jump from branch to branch eat everything and then just go find another tree. Now I realise that I don’t know that much about himself… He never talked about his life that much… we used to have good laughs, really nice conversations… I do miss those times…

I just don’t know, maybe I got smarter and I see things the way they really are which means that I was blind in the past or people just change and lie and pretend and I am just too naive to see it! He had some losses in his life that left scars and I do understand it but I told him I was here for him because that’s what friends are for. He asked for a time alone and he had it but when he came back he wasn’t the same person… Perhaps he became aware of his own mortality and decided to live the most he could. Oh my, every single night I go to bed thinking about if I will be alive the next morning because I know that nothing is granted for me, nor life, nor health, nor family, nor friendships. I know that my day is near and I try to do al that I can to enjoy life but I also learnt that when death arrives it doesn’t send you a tweet!

He definitely changed, always giving excuses not to talk with me, some valid I know, but I’m not blind any more nor stupid! I know he has the time to talk with other new friends more attractive and cheerful. I reckon that due to all the problems surrounding him at the moment he doesn’t wish to talk with me because I have a terrible illness, some days I’m bipolar and extremely depressive… I’m going through terrible financial problems, don’t have money to buy my medication or to see the doctor… I have nothing at all!!! I have no friends to talk with, no money, no job, no health, no family to help me… Perhaps all this scares him a lot and he doesn’t want to live in this world of pain and misery so he rather spends his time with normal people.

All I feel is that everything is happening again… he was there when I was merry and healthy but now he’s gone, just like the rest of my so-called friends!… It has always been like this.. people came to me, became my friends took advantage from me then left… I am all alone and how I am supposed to trust anyone after this long story of bad karma in my life? It seems that people will always do this to me…

I represent a world that most people don’t have a clue how it is like to live in it and they have no interest in it as long as their lives run smoothly… I live in a dark world and my friend is running away from it because he made a colourful one for his own.

I know that I am not a bad person or friend! My health problems are my own and don’t make me who I am… we can’t be happy every single days especially when we had so much and lost everything… I lost everything in my life except for someone special that still remains by my side but at a very high price.. his own happiness! I wonder if my husband will be always with me till the day I die because if he’s not I will perish…

I am so mad at my friend!!! I wished he would call me or email me or just simply read my blog... But since he never follows anything that I do nowadays he won’t be reading this bog and he will never know how deeply hurt I am, how much he’s making me suffer…  I always get an open scar when I lose somebody that I used to love in friendship! By now I must say that I have many scars…

However, I try to hide my pain in new hobbies! Yes, I’m very enthusiastic about photography… I have so much to learn still but I’m improving my skills and soon I will be taking amazing shots! Shame that my friend shows no interest whatsoever in what I do. Dark times approach for me and for my husband but we both will make it through without anyone’s help… This is what I ask for… a little bit of hope for the future and in the meantime I will end my today’s blog with one of my recent photos.

Just an advice, my readers, treat well and kind those who respect and care for you and remember that one day what you make to someone, other may do it to you…. RESPECT & LOVE

20140927_144236_1In my Dark Wold I create colour!!!

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