Fibromyalgia: It takes Strength to Tolerate the Everyday Pain
I have been quiet for some time now but it’s all due to fibromyalgia, as usual. A couple weeks ago it was a lovely sunny day so my husband and I decided to go for a photo walk, for those who might not know exactly what this is I will tell: it’s simply going out to take loads of photos while doing some nice walk :p . It was really great! I took almost 200 photos and walked 16 km (10 miles). The weather for a change was perfect for photography because most of the days here it’s cloudy so the photos come out all ruined.
I can’t tell you how well I felt that day walking by the Douro River, enjoying the fantastic landscape ahead me… I am more a photographer of macro and flowers but at this time of the year is difficult to find flower that look good so I had to take some landscaping photography. I uploaded all the photos to Flickr but hasn’t shared them yet to public view. However, as I already know it, when I over do it I will suffer the consequences afterwards and so it was unfortunately. Here’s just a nice shot that I took of Porto.
The following days were filled with intensive fatigue and muscles pain. I just hate fibromyalgia for preventing me to do the things I most love – walk a lot! As I have been realizing lately it’s becoming harder and harder to go out for a simple walk. I know that I’m getting older and that my illness doesn’t help me either still there’s so much I cannot do any more 😦 . Well, at least I put my reading up to date – at the moment I’m reading the second book of the Wolf Gift chronicles by Anne Rice – The Wolves of Midwinter.
Weather have influence on the way I feel my pains and even though the cold from winter isn’t good I must say that the summer hot is awfully terrible for my muscles and tendons! I can’t wait for winter to stop feeling this burning inside my legs… I am very annoyed with myself concerning exercises. I used to walk so many miles per day and exercise for muscles and joints as well as weight lifting to strengthen and increase my muscle mass. I even used to do more meditation.. But since last Christmas that things had changed for me 😦 . I had so many plans to go away from here to another country looking for a better life and help for my illness nonetheless I had to cancel all those plans.. all my dreams and hopes had been washed away along with my will to continue fighting. So, I stop doing all my exercises at the same time that my depression was growing deeper each day. Since then I lost all my strength to carry on fighting my pains, my illness… what was the point to carry on hoping when all that remains for me is pure darkness, I wondered.
Before all this I had in my Christmas wishlist a guided meditation CD along with a couple of DVD of Tai-Chi and Qi Gong for beginners. I was resolute to start doing something different to prevent my illness to get worse faster. Nevertheless, sometimes what we wish do not come easily 😦 . My health is not getting any better! No one can imagine how hard it’s for me to move my legs or just do some ironing or clean the house. I have to tell myself every day that I must fight this fatigue and let go the pains. I do tell and I do try yet the effort is becoming so heavy that some of the days I feel even more depressed that normal and all I do is cry in silence with frustration.
Anyway, apart from all this yesterday I decided, finally, to watch both DVDs! 🙂 I took some notes in my small notebook so that I won’t forget the important issues about doing Qi Gong. Unfortunately, fibromyalgia also took away my capacity to remember things as I used to. After watching both DVDs I decided to start with Qi Gong and then move on to Tai-Chi. I’ve been reading in so many articles and studies about fibromyalgia that the practise of Qi Gong is most recommend for my health problems so it’s time to resume my exercises.
I am also meditating more in order to feel more relaxed. I must be strong and tell myself that I can do this, no matter the pains and the fatigue I might feel. This is not the only exercises I will force myself to do, besides the walks I must resume my muscle strengthening also. It seems a lot?.. It’s a lot indeed but when I don’t have access to medication to ease my pains all I can do is to do exercises that are known to be suitable for fibromyalgia sufferers. Please bear in mind that fibromialgis isn’t the only health problem that I have, I also have bone loss in my hip and spine.
But let me tell you that all this is difficult to attain when I have no friends around to support me, to tell me that I can do it. It’s not easy to believe in myself, in what I can do because I always see myself as weak… I am always in the darkness, lost in time, waiting to find my former self any time, somewhere… I long to believe in me again…