Tags

, ,

crouching_angel_by_sessie

I feel like drowning this morning 😦 I’m awake since 4 am again and I feel so  tired and my FM pains are killing me. It seems that lately I can’t sleep, when I realise I see myself with eyes widen open, my brain working like a machine, thoughts hammering in my head, as my anxiety grows to fall asleep again.

Where are my tears? I’m trying hard to hide them inside because I can’t be weak and I can’cry all the time, can I? I hate my life, my world, the people surrounding me!! I hate them all!!! My heart pounds in my chest, my head is empty and I feel dizzy. So many emotions flowing at the same time and this awful sense of frustration and guilt.

I can’t make anyone to walk in my shoes to understand what I’m going through, to feel my pains, to be patient concerning my health. DON’T! Please, don’t make me do things when I say I can’t do it today, when I do say that I’m not feeling well, that my pains are unbearable today! My body trembles as I’m writing this right now, making an effort to prevent my tears to roll down my face when what I actually want is to die. 

Don’t give up on me, don’t make me feel this guilty inside me over and over again… Don’t be angry at me when I feel most fragile and all that I want is your love and care and patience! I hate you Fibromyalgia! Give me back my life!!! ‘:(

How can anyone imagine the pains I feel all over my body, the struggle that’s going on in my head to control my anger? How can anyone knows what it feels like feeling fragile, exhausted all day, the knife-like pain in my muscles, the brain fog, the trembling in my hands, the weakness in my muscles, the pains in joints????!!!!! How am I suppose to carry on when some days I can hardly remember how to talk, how to do things? I try to remember the words, everything that I’ve learned but all that exists in my brain is a dense fog!! 

Today I can’t think, I can’t walk, I can’t do anything at all but I’m trying even though you don’t see it. Isn’t my word enough when I say that today I Fibromyalgia is taking over me?! Anger grows strong and the will of living is at the moment a thick line ready to break.

I’m such an imperfect person! No wonder I am alone… Always in a bad mood due to pains that only I can feel, always this feeling of not doing what I should, the frustration of being unable to rise myself from the ashes and reborn as a kind and loving person.

Can you ever forgive me? forgive this “thing” I am now? Just a burden in your life, a stone in friend’s shoes, an accident to my family?

I keep falling and changing mood, I know what’s wrong with me… I can be reasonable yet I ask myself so many times why can’t I wash away these sick feelings that haunt me day by day of uselessness, hopelessness, destruction, this eternal darkness that follows me anywhere.

I blame myself and myself only for everything!! I am the only one who’s wrong here. Who do I think I am? I should be punishing myself for such thoughts and emotions. Anger and hate leads nowhere. How am I supposed to fight the storm inside my head and heart? My emotions are like the wind that blows in all directions, like the weather changing from rain into sun, as the waves bursting at on the rocks in a stormy day. This is my life, a silent storm…

I will probably regret later had written these words today because I am angry and sad when I do feel like that it always ends up bad.  I need help but I can’t do this on my own. I’ve been fighting for so many years now that I think I cannot lower my defenses most of the time and I keep behaving as if I was a  warrior who has to keep herself safe from the world when the real danger it’s the warrior herself….

Advertisements