, ,

It’s incredible the amount of emails I had to read and to reply, files to organise in my computer, photos to publish, comments to reply on G+and so on… I have been lazy with all this because I feel so depressed and hopeless, this constant feeling of emptiness in my heart, a hollow in my soul, this solitude that follows me anywhere I go! I want to cry and shout, I want to blame someone, I want to turn back in time and make things differently… Yet, this cannot be, can it? No! I can’t recover the lost time, my health, my friends, the family that never loved me. I cannot undo my mistakes, delete words that I said that I didn’t mean to… I lost myself somewhere in time and I can’t find me! I look deep inside in search of a sign but there’s nothing there, just this endless darkness that blinds me. I tell myself that it’s time to rise from the ashes and start living before it’s too late…I cannot have my former life, my friends back, a family that loves me, a job that I can handle but I can still live! Live with limitations yes, but live instead of dying slowly. Recently an event in my life, of someone close to me, made me see that life can ends in a flash and in that moment I thought I could end alone! It made me angry… not angry at him but angry at myself for not being able to fight this illness, angry because I didn’t want to be alone since he’s the only person who loves me and takes care of me. That night was terrifying for me! 24h without sleeping with a hole in my chest because I could not help him!!! I could not help him because of my physical limitations! How useless I am indeed… I called to 991 and it was the wisest thing I did in a long time. I felt guilt because I yelled at him when he was feeling so sick even though I was unconsciously yelling at me for not being able to handle with the situation! I couldn’t think, I panicked, I felt so scared of loosing him. I was all alone, no one to ring to ask for help, no friend around or family… just all alone in that empty night. Later, when the nightmare was over he thanked me… thanked me for saving him! In turn I asked  forgiveness for yelling at him for he his everything I am, he is my life, my world. Since that night my fears grew, my nightmares started again, depression and pains got worse. That night I lost another bit of myself unable to fight back once again! I feel so weak, so ashamed of my cowardice… yes this is how I see myself at the moment. I stopped  doing all the things I loved – writing poetry,dance, exercise, finish my novels, do some gardening, draw… I hate the hot days because they make me feel ill, I hate the cold days because my pains increase, I hate the dogs barking because it’s too noisy and I can’t stand any more noise around me. What is this I have become? A lunatic? A insane person? What the disease is doing to me? Is it turning me into a monster? Into a selfish person? This is not who I am… But this weekend I decided to read my emails and reply to people; I published my photos on Flickr, made this blog, organised some of the files in my computer, listened to my playlists on Grooveshark, some gardening. It’s not much but it’s a start! Small steps…I must resume all my activities for time is not infinite. Tomorrow I might not be here, so why am I losing time suffering and lingering in this darkness that is my life and illness? Pains are here and they are not going anywhere, fatigue is strong most of the days but I must fight it, my health problems won’t disappear they are getting worse and worse and there’s nothing I can do about it. I cry inside for it’s too much pain for one person to carry in silence. I try hard everyday of my life, I really want to be strong again still there’s this inner struggle that confuses me and takes my breath away… this endless struggle between the feeling of guilt, loneliness, burden, sorrow and the feeling of caring about others and trying to be perfect all the time, do the right thing when most of the time I suspect I do the wrong thing, say the wrong word… some days I just give up on everything, some others I want to do everything…. Insanity rules in my head! The best part of my day is when I go out for my walk and I have the chance to take a nice photo of a couple of flowers… this makes me definitely smile! So here’s a beautiful photo to finish my post. A little bit of light in a world of darkness and pain. Agapanthus praecox, African Lilly, Blue Lilly